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ELLEN - THE PUPPY EPISODE

4th season 22nd episode aired 30 Apr 97 on ABC.

TRANSCRIPT

CAST (in order of appearance)

       Paige Clark ........................ Joely Fisher
       Spence Kovak ....................... Jeremy Piven
       Joe Farrell ........................ David Anthony Higgins
       Audrey Penny ....................... Clea Lewis
       Ellen Morgan ....................... Ellen DeGeneres
       Richard ............................ Steven Eckholdt
       Susan Richmond ..................... Laura Dern
       Waiter ............................. Patrick Harrigan
       Therapist .......................... Oprah Winfrey
       Clerk 1 ............................ Billy Bob Thornton
       Customer ........................... Jenny Shimizu
       Clerk 2 ............................ Demi Moore
       Checkout clerk 1 ................... (?)
       Checkout clerk 2 ................... Gina Gershon
       Bagger ............................. Dwight Yoakam
       Barrett ............................ Jack Plotnick
       Janine ............................. k.d. lang
       Woman 1 (at 'Little Frida's') ...... Jorjan Fox
       Woman 2 (at National HQ) ........... Melissa Etheridge

I. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Paige, Spence, Joe, and Audrey sitting in the living room. Ellen is in the bathroom.

AUDREY

Ellen! You're going to be late for your dinner date with your old college friend Richard!

JOE

I can't believe it.

PAIGE

What, that Ellen has a date?

JOE

No, that she went to college!

SPENCE

I think she's been in there forever.

PAIGE

(yells)

Ellen, are you coming out or not?!

JOE

Yeah, quit jerking us around and come out already!

ELLEN

(peeking out of the bathroom)

What is the big deal, I've got a whole hour.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

II. Ellen and Richard at a table in the HOTEL RESTAURANT.

RICHARD

So that was two years ago. So then I did the weather in St. Paul, and basically my job was to tell people how many seconds they could be outside before their skin froze.

ELLEN

Okay, and then how exactly did that qualify you to do the news in Pittsburgh?

RICHARD

Who said I was qualified?

ELLEN

Look at you: TV Reporter!

RICHARD

Not look at me, look at you: Bookstore Manager!

ELLEN

It's amazing, we're both doing what we always wanted to do. Well, except for me...

RICHARD

You know, Ellen, if it weren't for you I wouldn't be a reporter.

ELLEN

That's right, if it wasn't for me, you'd be a senator. Remember how I said: Lower your sights!

RICHARD

This is so amazing. We're just sitting here talking to each other like it was yesterday. I mean, how long has it been?

ELLEN

Well, yesterday, when I picked you up at the airport.

But before then that, five years. We look great.

RICHARD

Are you kidding? We're adorable.

Susan approaches the table.

ELLEN

Oh, here comes somebody to adore us right now.

SUSAN

I sort of interrupt, or am I interrupting - it looks like you finished dinner, so I guess I'm not interrupting, but actually you were still talking, so technically I am interrupting, but now I'm talking so long that I should have just originally interrupted. Nice sweater!

ELLEN

Thank you. Who are you?

RICHARD

Ellen, this is Susan Richmond, my producer.

ELLEN

Hi. Ellen.

SUSAN

Yeah, Ellen, wow, I heard so much about you from Richard, he talks about you all the time, sometimes I have to say 'Stop! Nobody's paying you to talk about Ellen Morgan.'

ELLEN

(to Richard)

Even if she said that, you're still getting the checks, right?

RICHARD

Yeah.

SUSAN

Richard, I just wanted to tell you, tomorrow's interview has been pushed up an hour.

RICHARD

(to Susan)

Does that mean it's an hour earlier or an hour later?

ELLEN

I guess that's why you are the producer and why you are the reporter.

RICHARD

I was joking, I know what pushed up means?

(low voice, to Susan)

It's earlier, right?

ELLEN

(to Susan)

Hey, you just can't compliment somebody and leave, sit down and have dessert!

SUSAN

Well, I haven't had dinner, so well, sure. Just keep talking as you were before, pretend I'm not here.

ELLEN

OK.

RICHARD

So tell me about the bookstore, I mean it sounds great.

Susan takes some parsley from Ellen's dish.

ELLEN

Well, it's amazing, my parsley is just disappearing like just... That is the strangest thing! What...

(to Susan)

I'm pretending like you're not here.

SUSAN

Who are you talking to, I'm not here.

RICHARD

That's funny.

SUSAN

(picks an eyelash from Ellen's face)

You got a little eyelash right here, going to make a wish?

ELLEN

OK.

Waiter comes with coffee.

WAITER

Would you like some coffee?

ELLEN

That was it, that's amazing! That was so fast!

RICHARD

You wasted a wish on coffee?

SUSAN

Hey, it's OK, I'm sure she can wrestle up another one.

ELLEN

Yeah, I'll get you some scrambled egg. Au, that's not loose.

SUSAN

Sorry.

III. Richard, Ellen and Susan in the HALLWAY on the way to their rooms.

ELLEN

I love that part. Yeah, but you know the movie I really love is 'Sling Blade'.

SUSAN

(imitating Billy Bob Thornton in 'Sling Blade')

'Mh. I reckon I [?] Mmh.'

ELLEN

(with SUSAN joining in)

'I call it a sling blade, most people call it kaiser blade, I call it sling blade, shaped kind of like a banana. Mmh.'

You love how he said banana?

SUSAN

Me too.

RICHARD

I take it somebody in the movie talks like this?

ELLEN and SUSAN

No.

SUSAN

(saying goodbye to Ellen)

It was so great meeting you!

ELLEN

Me too, I'm glad you staid for dessert.

SUSAN

Yeah, me too, thanks. Bye.

(kisses Richard goodbye)

See you later.

ELLEN

Bye.

RICHARD

Bye.

SUSAN

Nice meeting you.

ELLEN

Hey, you too. Really cool.

SUSAN

Yeah, funny.

IV. Ellen and Richard sitting on the couch in RICHARD'S HOTEL ROOM. Ellen drinks from a bottle of juice.

RICHARD

How about the guy you used to go out with? The guy who used to sit in trees and cry?

ELLEN

Spliff was a poet.

What about Debbie? She had that laugh, that

(makes a snoring laugh)

RICHARD

She had asthma.

How about you're boyfriend, Mr. Feeldis?

Richard gets up, bends his arm and feels his biceps, imitating 'Mr. Feeldis'.

RICHARD

'Feel dis, Feel dis!'

It would have made sense if the guy weren't dumb and he weighed what, a hundred and twelve pounds?

ELLEN

Yeah. He loved me. How many people are going to run out in the rain and get me vanilla pudding.

RICHARD

I would. Maybe.

(Ellen laughs)

How much rain are we talking about?

ELLEN

See, if you have to ask you've answered my question.

Boy, Susan seems great.

RICHARD

Yeah, I don't know what I would do without her.

Find another producer, I guess.

ELLEN

I envy you guys. I mean, what a job. Every day it's something different, one day it's a whale getting washed up on a beach, next day it's cloning, next day it's two whales getting washed up on a beach, you can only save one, you don't know which one is the original...

RICHARD

Oh, Ellen, I've forgotten how much fun you are.

ELLEN

Yeah, me too. I'm fun.

RICHARD

I've wasted so much time dating, you know, models and actresses, I probably should have just been dating someone like you.

ELLEN

Thank you?

RICHARD

C'mon, you know what I'm trying to say. It's just that you're smart, you're beautiful...

(puts his head on Ellen's shoulder and strokes her arm)

Besides, I just feel so comfortable with you.

ELLEN

(with an uneasy look)

Yeah, that's how I'm feeling with you. If there's one thing I'm feeling right now it's comfortable.

RICHARD

So you're seeing anybody right now?

ELLEN

Me? No. Not now. Not for a couple of ... er ... Not now.

RICHARD

Me neither.

ELLEN

Ha, how about that.

RICHARD

Oh, I've forgotten how great you smell.

ELLEN

You know, Richard, it's been a while since we've seen each other - and we all know where smelling leads...

I don't think that we should rush into anything.

RICHARD

Oh God. I'm an idiot.

ELLEN

No, no.

RICHARD

I feel like I've crossed a line.

ELLEN

No, no, what's a line, it's just the shortest distance between two points which is from here to the door which is where I'm going to go. I'm going to... It's OK.

RICHARD

Can I call you tomorrow?

ELLEN

Yes, call me tomorrow, why not, I mean, good that we're friends, because it could be awkward.

It's a ... , it's not ...

(Ellen's having problems with the security lock on the door, jerks at the door a couple of times before she flips open the security bar)

All right then. Goodbye.

RICHARD

Bye.

V. HALLWAY.

ELLEN

Nope, not awkward at all.

Susan happens to come by with a bucket of ice cubes and hears Ellen talk to herself.

SUSAN

Who are you talking to?

ELLEN

(looks around for somebody)

You?

SUSAN

Well, did we just finish up the conversation or do you want to continue it into my room?

I got ice!

ELLEN

Oh, all right then.

VI. Ellen follows Susan into SUSAN'S HOTEL ROOM. The music is playing.

SUSAN

So, you want to split a five-dollar-soda, my treat?

ELLEN

No, actually I just had an eight-dollar-bottle of pineapple juice with Richard.

Your room is exactly like his.

SUSAN

Have a seat.

Susan and Ellen inadvertently try to sit on the same side of the couch.

ELLEN

Oh, sorry. Why don't you sit over there.

SUSAN

OK.

ELLEN

I love this song.

SUSAN

Me too, John Lee Hooker is ...

ELLEN and SUSAN

(in sync)

... so, so cool

SUSAN

I love him, I saw him in concert. He is a god.

ELLEN

Yeah, yeah. Me too. I mean, I'm not a god. I saw him actually in New Orleans at the Jazz Fest.

SUSAN

Oh my god, I love the Jazz Fest. I sold Crawfish at the Jazz Fest.

ELLEN

Wait a minute. I bought Crawfish at the Jazz Fest. Were you a sixty year old black man?

SUSAN

That was me!

So weird, we're so alike.

ELLEN

I know. It's really strange. I've never met anybody that I, like... it's like I'm looking in a mirror, like, I mean a fun house mirror where I'm taller and thinner, but ...

SUSAN

Well, you seem more relaxed than out in the hall.

ELLEN

Yeah. I don't want to talk about that.

SUSAN

OK. So, tell me...

ELLEN

(interrupts)

Richard came on to me when I was in his room.

SUSAN

Really?

ELLEN

Yeah. Really. Ough.

How weird. I mean, I've known him for so long. I mean he's so great, he's so smart and funny and he's gorgeous, I mean he's everything, he's perfect. And I, why am I not interested?

SUSAN

(laughs)

I can't imagine!

ELLEN

Did you ever go out with him?

SUSAN

(surprised)

No, Ellen...

ELLEN

No, office romance, that's a bad idea I guess.

SUSAN

No. I don't date men.

ELLEN

Oh.

(pause)

Why?

SUSAN

I'm gay?

ELLEN

(getting more and more uncomfortable)

You're gay? Oh. How about that. Gay. Good, good. I didn't, I didn't, I ... That's - good for you, of course, why wouldn't you be gay.

SUSAN

Wow, I thought you knew.

In fact I thought you were gay, too.

ELLEN

You thought I was gay? Why would you think I was gay?

SUSAN

Oh, wow, sorry, I just kinda got that vibe...

ELLEN

(gets up and goes to the bar)

Vibe? Like a 'gay vibe'? Like I'm giving off some kind of gay vibrations? GAY!

(Ellen puts loads and loads of ice into a glass)

Yeah, that's funny. No, I think what you're sensing is a very, very strong 'I like men'-vibe and it's throwing you a little bit, so, you know, you're confused about that.

SUSAN

Ellen, ehm, the ice...

ELLEN

Ice. Yes. I know. Heterosexuals like ice.

SUSAN

Wow. I'm really sorry.

ELLEN

(striking a very 'macho man' pose, chewing on an ice cube)

You know it's funny, because I think I know what's going on, it's not enough for you to be gay, you gotta recruit others, you know.

SUSAN

Yeah, I'll have to call national headquarters and tell them I lost you.

Damn, just one more and I would have gotten that toaster oven.

ELLEN

What is that? Gay humor?

'Cause I don't get it. That's how un-gay I am.

SUSAN

I've really made you uncomfortable.

ELLEN

No, no. You know what it is? You are wrong. And that's all, so... You could be wrong, people are wrong. I'm going to get going. No big deal. So...

Ellen, again, has problems with the door lock and gets nervous and backs off against the door as Susan approaches her to flip over the security bar.

ELLEN

OK, all right. I'll see you later.

SUSAN

Bye.

Ellen closes the door behind her.

Knocking at the door. Susan opens, Ellen's hand comes in with the glass full of ice cubes. Susan takes it.

VII. HALLWAY.

ELLEN

I'll show you who's gay.

(knocks on Richard's door.)

RICHARD

(opens the door, surprised)

Ellen!

(Ellen grabs him and kisses him passionately)

I thought you didn't want to rush into things?

ELLEN

That's why I left for a minute.

She pushes him into the room, still embracing him, and closes the door with her foot.

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

VIII. Ellen comes into the BOOKSTORE. Joe and Audrey, Paige and Spence are all there.

ELLEN

Morning!

PAIGE

So - how was dinner with Richard?

ELLEN

Oh, it was great. We had dinner at the restaurant in his hotel.

PAIGE

Oh, how was that, 'cause I heard the rooms aren't that great there.

ELLEN

No, they're nice, they're big and they're actually...

PAIGE

(interrupts)

Wait, what? I'm sorry, you went back up to his room?

ELLEN

Yeah.

AUDREY

Details, please.

SPENCE

(getting up from the stool to leave)

Spare the guys - guys aren't interested in girl talk. Am I right, Joe?

JOE

Right on!

SPENCE

You girls can continue your little gab session without us.

Spence leaves, Joe turns to Ellen.

JOE

So you had dinner with Richard, and...?

ELLEN

Well, we went back up to his room so we could continue our ... 'talking'.

AUDREY

Ellen, you didn't!

ELLEN

Oh, didn't I.

JOE

No!

ELLEN

Yeah.

JOE

Get out!

ELLEN

Anyway. So we go into his room...

CUT TO previous night at RICHARD'S HOTEL ROOM, Ellen and Richard are kissing in the bedroom.

ELLEN

Oh. Men, men. Why do I love men so much.

Ellen throws Richard onto the bed and jumps on top of him.

CUT BACK to the BOOKSTORE.

PAIGE

You said that?

ELLEN

Yeah, you know, cause I was just so turned on from him being a man and me ... not being one?

CUT TO RICHARD'S HOTEL ROOM.

ELLEN

Show me the money, baby!

(She rips his shirt open)

CUT BACK to BOOKSTORE.

JOE

'Show me the money'?

ELLEN

I had seen Jerry Maguire the night before, so stop interrupting, anyway about two hours later...

CUT TO RICHARD'S HOTEL ROOM. Ellen and Richard under the blankets.

ELLEN (V.O.)

We're lying in bed and enjoying a well earned smoke.

They smoke.

AUDREY (V.O.)

Ellen, you don't smoke.

Richard and Ellen flip away the cigarettes.

ELLEN (V.O.)

All right, all right, we were ... chewing gum.

They each put a gum strip into their mouths.

RICHARD

Ellen, that was incredible. Your passion knows no bounds. What's you're secret?

ELLEN

I guess I'm just a sucker for man-woman-sex.

RICHARD

I love you.

ELLEN

Ssh! Don't speak. I want you again. I want you in every room of this hotel.

RICHARD

There are over fourteen hundred rooms in this hotel!

ELLEN

Well, then I suggest less talkin', more lovin'.

(She leans over and kisses him.)

CUT BACK to the BOOKSTORE.

PAIGE

Unbelievable!

AUDREY

Awesome!

JOE

'Man-Woman Sex'?

IX. At Ellen's THERAPIST'S.

THERAPIST

So, Ellen, do you want to tell me what really happened between you and Richard last night?

ELLEN

OK. I was kissing him and pushing him towards the bed...

CUT TO previous night at RICHARD'S HOTEL ROOM

ELLEN

Men, men, why do I love men so much!

She throws Richard on the bed who falls off the other side and lands on the floor.

RICHARD

Hey, hey, this is great, this is great, but maybe we should just take things a little slower.

ELLEN

Why? I want you, you want me - let's get it on!

Show me the money!

(she tries to rip his shirt open, but it won't, so she tries to bite off the buttons)

Show me the ...

CUT BACK to THERAPIST'S.

THERAPIST

'Show me the money'?

ELLEN

Didn't anybody see 'Jerry Maguire'?

THERAPIST

Then what happened?

ELLEN

Well, OK, then cut to fifteen minutes later...

CUT TO RICHARD'S BEDROOM. Richard is lying on the bed, bare chest, Ellen is sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed, looking very frustrated. A long, uncomfortable silence.

ELLEN

I'm sorry, Richard, this has never happened to me before.

RICHARD

It's okay. It happens. You are probably just ... tired.

CUT BACK to THERAPIST'S.

THERAPIST

So you didn't sleep with him?

ELLEN

Not even close.

But I lied to my friends and I told them I did.

THERAPIST

So it's easier to tell your friends what they want to hear?

ELLEN

Finally, so they have something to work with.

So that's basically it. You know, no major problems, nothing pressing.

What kind of vibe do you get from me?

THERAPIST

I'm sensing a little tension?

ELLEN

That's right, tense, tension, I have tension. You can read vibes. Yeah. Good. It's no wonder you have a degree on your ... You do have a degree, don't you? Oh, Yale. Couldn't get into Harvard, ha?

THERAPIST

You made that same joke last session, Ellen.

Is there something you want to talk about?

ELLEN

Well, as a matter of fact, yes. You know what I hate? I'll tell you what I hate. I hate when people make assumptions about you, you know? Especially when that 'you' is me. It's not like I haven't had boyfriends, you know, just cause I don't happen to have a boyfriend right now, you know? I'm choosy, what's wrong with that. If I wasn't choosy I'd be Mrs. Larry Gladstone, wife of my eighth grade boyfriend.

THERAPIST

There is nothing wrong with being choosy, Ellen.

ELLEN

Right. Exactly. And it's not like I'm looking for perfection, you know, I just want someone special, someone I click with.

THERAPIST

And obviously you didn't click with Richard?

(Ellen shakes her head)

Has there ever been anyone you felt you clicked with?

(Ellen looks up)

And what was his name?

ELLEN

Susan.

X. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Spence and Paige are sitting on the sofa. Ellen comes through the front door.

SPENCE

Hey, you've got a message from Richard on your machine.

Ellen operates the answering machine.

RICHARD

(from the machine)

Ellen, hi, it's Richard. We have to cancel tonight. I have to take an eight o'clock flight to Pittsburgh, a baby panda was born, I'm assuming at the zoo? Sorry I missed you. Bye.

PAIGE

Mh, why do all the good ones always live out of town.

SPENCE

Thanks.

ELLEN

Hey you guys. Let me run something by you, quickly. If you were me and you, I mean me, were to say something to someone, but you, I mean me, ...

PAIGE

Ellen - we know how to play 'if you were me'.

ELLEN

Oh, good. OK. So, you want to say something to someone but you're afraid and then you find out that this person is getting on a plane so you're never going to see the person again so it seems stupid, you know, not to bare your soul, so it's almost like doing nothing, so what do you think, should I do nothing or should I do 'nothing'?

SPENCE

Maybe I don't know how to play 'if you were me'.

ELLEN

See, you are me, right? ...

PAIGE

Ellen, go to the airport.

ELLEN

Yeah.

(She heads for the door.)

One more thing: If you were me, would you take La Cienega or the 405?

PAIGE

Ellen, go!

XI. The AIRPORT, at the gate for the flight to Pittsburgh.

RICHARD

(sees Ellen)

Ellen!

What are you doing here? You didn't have to come all the way over here just to say goodbye?

ELLEN

Oh, yes I did, yeah. Cause otherwise I wouldn't be able to give you ... er ... to give you this.

(Hands him some chewing gum)

Gum. You know, it's for on the flight, you know, the popping and everything, so you've got to have gum, so I should probably give some to Susan too, where is she?

RICHARD

She'll be right back.

You know about last night...

ELLEN

I'm sorry, it was me, I'm sorry...

RICHARD

There is just so much I want to say...

ELLEN

Well, you know what I do when I have a lot to say, I just put it all down in a letter, because, you know, the emotion, and it's better that way, and that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to write you a letter with everything and ... besides; I'll always be the girl you didn't sleep with, which makes me special.

RICHARD

So I guess we'll always NOT have that.

Can I call you?

ELLEN

Yeah, not if I call you first.

All right. Bye.

Susan comes up and waves Richard goodbye. Ellen goes over to Susan.

ELLEN

Susan. Hi.

SUSAN

Hi.

ELLEN

Can I talk to you just quickly before you leave...

SUSAN

No, you know, listen...

ELLEN

No, no, no, please let me just talk, just... please...

SUSAN

OK.

ELLEN

You know how you said in the room, you know, that you thought, maybe I was, you know, and I said, 'no, no, no, no', well, I was thinking about it, and I think that maybe I am, er, I am ... I guess what I'm trying to say is ... I did get the joke about the toaster oven.

SUSAN

Are you saying what I think you're trying to say?

ELLEN

What do you think I'm trying to say?

SUSAN

Oh, I'm not going to say it again and be wrong.

ELLEN

(walking over to an empty counter, turning her back on Susan)

No, you're not wrong. You're right. This is so hard. But I think I've realized that I am ... I can't even say the word. Why can't I say the word, I mean, why can't I just say ... I mean, what is wrong, why do I have to be so ashamed, why can't I just see the truth, I mean, be who I am, I'm thirty-five years old... I'm so afraid to tell people. I mean, I'm just...

Susan...

(Ellen turns back towards Susan, putting one hand on the counter)

I'm gay.

Ellen has by accident put her hand on the switch for the public address system, so those last words were broadcast for everyone at the gate to hear.

"Why can't I say the word" (.wav, 390k)

ELLEN

That felt great. That felt so great. And it felt ... so loud.

Well. I guess you have to get on the plane, don't you.

SUSAN

No.

ELLEN

What?

SUSAN

Oh, I'm not leaving for another three days. I've got a lot of work to do here.

So you want to get some coffee or something?

ELLEN

Yeah. OK, I guess, sure, OK.

Ellen follows Susan out with a big smile.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

XII. DREAM SEQUENCE: GROCERY STORE

ELLEN

(moving through the aisles)

Excuse me, how much are those melons?

CLERK 1

(clears his throat, making it sound like Karl Childers in 'Sling Blade')

I'm sorry, I had something caught in my throat. Generally they're 89 cents a pound, but we're running a special this week for lesbians, 59 cents a pound. You want to stock up.

P.A. (V.O.)

Attention shoppers! Red tank special in aisle two, gay woman in aisle five.

Ellen sees that she is in aisle five.

CUSTOMER

I think he means you.

SUSAN

(comes by, holding two melons in front of her chest)

Ellen! Did you see their having a special on melons?

CLERK 2

Excuse me, Miss. Would you like to try our new granola bar, they're the perfect snack whether you're on the go or in the closet.

CHECKOUT CLERK 1

Ellen! Ellen! Over here.

A sign above the register says 'Five lesbians or less'.

Ellen moves to another checkout.

CHECKOUT CLERK 2

That'd be a lesbian twenty-nine.

ELLEN

Excuse me?

CHECKOUT CLERK 2

Eleven twenty-nine.

Please.

ELLEN

OK.

BAGGER

Would you like paper or plastic, Ma'am?

ELLEN

Paper. 'Ma'am' - that's nice to hear. Thank you very much.

Thanks.

BAGGER

Ma'am, you need some help loading that in your gay car?

XIII. At Ellen's THERAPIST'S.

ELLEN

So, do you think that dream means anything?

THERAPIST

Well, let me go out on a limb here.

Yes. Have you had this dream before?

ELLEN

Oh, no. Usually I'm at the hardware store having lesbian keys made up.

THERAPIST

Ellen, if you keep this to yourself, you're just going to continue to have these dreams and then it's going to show up in your waking life as these little clues that get more and more obvious ... and eventually tiresome.

ELLEN

That makes sense.

THERAPIST

So tell me, when did you first realize that you might be gay?

ELLEN

With Susan, I mean, that's the first time, absolutely, that's the first time I've ever felt this way.

THERAPIST

So what do you think ...

ELLEN

(interrupts)

Well, except for also freshman English. We were reading the works of Gertrude Stein.

THERAPIST

So that naturally brought up all these issues and ...

ELLEN

No, actually the girl sitting next to me brought up all these issues.

THERAPIST

So, OK, that was the first time ...

ELLEN

Wait a minute, no, no, actually in junior high I really liked this girl a lot that worked at the snack bar at the roller ring, but I kind of liked her because she gave me free curly fries.

I guess it's been going on for a while.

THERAPIST

But you've kept it to yourself and never acted on it.

And why do you think that is?

ELLEN

I don't know, I thought if I just ignored it, it would just go away and I could live a normal life.

THERAPIST

And what is a normal life, Ellen?

ELLEN

I don't know. Normal. I mean, just the same thing everybody wants, someone to ... A house with a picket fence, a dog, a cat, Sunday barbecues. Someone to love, someone who loves me. Someone I can build a life with. I just want to be happy.

THERAPIST

And you think you can't have these things with a woman?

ELLEN

Well, society has a pretty big problem with it.

There are a lot of people out there who think people like me are sick.

Oh God, why did I ever rent 'Personal Best'.

THERAPIST

You can't blame this on the media, Ellen.

It isn't going to be easy. No one has it easy.

ELLEN

You don't understand. Do you think I want to be discriminated against? Do you think that I want people calling me names to my face?

THERAPIST

To have people commit hate crimes against you because you're not like them?

ELLEN

Thank you!

THERAPIST

To have to use separate bathrooms and separate water fountains and sit in the back of the bus?

ELLEN

Oh, man, we have to use separate water fountains?

A Joke.

I know, I guess. You have to admit it's not exactly an accepted thing, I mean, you never see a cake that says 'Good for you, you're gay!'. Maybe Western Robertson and Eastern Hollywood.

THERAPIST

OK then, Ellen, I'll say it: Good for you, you're gay.

So what are you going to do now?

ELLEN

I'm going to Disneyland!!!

THERAPIST

You know what I mean.

Are you planning on talking to your friends?

ELLEN

Oh, yes, obviously, of course. I'm not going to stop talking to them just because I'm ... Oh, you mean, talk to them about me being ... Oh. No. That's none of their business, no.

THERAPIST

Well, do you think you'd feel more comfortable talking to your parents?

ELLEN

All right, you win, I'll talk to my friends.

XIV. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Ellen and Peter in the kitchen preparing food.

ELLEN

Thanks for coming early to help me set up.

PETER

I live to serve.

ELLEN

'Cause there's no way I could have prepared cheese and crackers for seven people all by myself.

PETER

You know what you need? A melon baller.

ELLEN

I'm gay.

(Peter is startled.)

So, where would I find one of those melon ballers?

PETER

(beside himself with joy)

Oh Ellen, at the grocery store, at the grocery store! I'm so proud of you!

(he gives her a big hug)

ELLEN

Thanks. We're still not talking about the melon baller, are we?

PETER

This is amazing, Barrett and I were just discussing this the other day.

ELLEN

You discussed this with Barrett?

PETER

Oh yeah.

ELLEN

What, were you just sitting around sipping international coffees and decided, let's discuss Ellen's sexuality?

PETER

Café Vienna, how do you know?

So, who else have you told?

ELLEN

You're the first.

(Peter is touched)

And my therapist, and Susan, and the people waiting for departing flight 368 to Pittsburgh.

PETER

Susan?

ELLEN

Yeah. The woman I'm in love with.

So, you know, it shouldn't be a big deal telling my friends, you know. The people at the airport took it pretty well.

Oh god, do you think this is a bad idea?

PETER

Believe me, telling people is always hard. I remember when I first told my parents: I sat them down, I said: I've struggled with this for a long time, but this is who I am and I only hope you could be happy for me.

Then the next year when I entered kindergarten they were a hundred percent behind me.

ELLEN

I sure wish I would have realized this when I was younger, it would have been easier.

PETER

Easier, right. It was a real delight being 'Homo-Pete' in junior high.

Ellen, it's never easy.

ELLEN

If that's the official gay welcome speech, you need a happier ending.

Audrey, Paige, Spence, Joe and Barrett enter the apartment.

PETER

Welcome! Welcome all!

There's cheese and melon and Chardonnay.

Ellen is drinking the Chardonnay in big gulps right from the bottle.

Why don't we all give Ellen our attention, I think she might have something she wants to tell us.

Ellen?

ELLEN

OK. All right. I guess the best way to do something like this is just say it, just right out, straight to the point, just come right out and say it, so ... Here it goes ...

You know how you think you are taller than you are? You know, you're saying 'I'm five foot eight', you know, and then you finally meet somebody who is five foot eight and you're like 'You're five foot eight?' ... well, you know. Well, I was at the GAP the other day, ...

AUDREY

Ellen! I thought you had something important to tell us?

PETER

She does!

ELLEN

OK. Well, I've realized recently that I ... have ... strong feelings for someone. Romantic feelings.

AUDREY

Ooh, I've goose bumps.

PAIGE

I think I know where this is going ...

ELLEN

No, I don't think you do.

I feel like I need your support right now.

SPENCE, AUDREY

You got it.

PAIGE

Well, of course we support you. I mean, Richard sounds like a great guy.

ELLEN

Yeah, he is. He's great.

So. So, thanks for stopping by, this was a lot of fun.

PETER

For god's sake, Ellen, tell them you're gay!

(he realizes what he just said with horror)

Oops! Ellen ...

PAIGE

Is that true?

ELLEN

Mh? Oh, that?

Well, it depends on what your definition of gay is, you know, because ...

Yes, I'm ... I'm gay.

PAIGE

But I thought that you and Richard ... you know, the whole 'man-woman-sex' thing ...

ELLEN

Never happened.

JOE

So nobody showed anybody the money?

ELLEN

No, I don't like Richard. I like Susan.

PAIGE

Susan?

SPENCE

Wow.

ELLEN

I know this is a big shock. I really don't expect you to accept it just right away. Take your time. Let it sink in.

AUDREY

Well. I for one think it's super!

(she gets up to give Ellen a hug)

Now, what shall we call you? 'Gay' or 'Lesbian'?

ELLEN

How about 'Ellen'?

AUDREY

OK, Ellen.

PAIGE

(obviously a little uneasy)

Yeah. It's great.

You know, I love learning new things about my friends. And this is new.

ELLEN

OK, so you're OK with this?

PAIGE

Of course I am. You know, it's funny, 'cause the other day I was saying that I don't have enough lesbian friends. And, oh, I saw 'Bound'!

SPENCE

(hugging Ellen)

Ellen, I love and respect whatever you do. And if you want to bring a woman home, I'm cool with that. Very cool.

PETER

See, Ellen, all that worry for nothing.

ELLEN

Yeah, this wasn't so bad after all.

JOE

Ellen.

(hugs her)

I'm happy for you.

ELLEN

Oh, thank you, Joe.

JOE

Just one thing: Are you sure this is what you want?

ELLEN

Aren't you sweet. Yes, I am sure, thank you.

JOE

(turns to the others)

OK. Everybody pay up.

Spence gives Joe some money, Audrey and Barrett pay Peter.

SPENCE

Damn.

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

XV. The BOOKSTORE. Ellen shows Susan around.

ELLEN

So, this is the bookstore, and I used to own it, and now I manage it. And some day if I play my cards right I may not even work here.

JOE

Hi, I'm Joe.

AUDREY

I'm Audrey.

JOE AND AUDREY

We're Joe and Audrey.

ELLEN

They are simple folk, but they don't steal.

Joe and Audrey, this is Susan.

AUDREY

We've heard so much about you.

JOE

John Lee Hooker.

AUDREY

It's too bad you have to go to Pittsburgh tomorrow.

ELLEN

Well, thanks for bringing that up.

AUDREY

You two look so cute together.

ELLEN

Audrey, what ... I'm sorry. Why don't you sit down, I'm going to get us some coffee.

SUSAN

OK.

(goes over to the couch to sit)

ELLEN

OK.

What do you think? She's great, isn't she?

JOE

She's great.

Have you kissed her yet?

ELLEN

No, and it's none of your business.

JOE

I'm sorry, that was insensitive.

But you will tell me, right?

ELLEN

Yeah, Joe, that's the plan.

Can you believe that, I'm clicking with somebody, me who's usually clickless.

(she joins Susan)

AUDREY

Joseph! Look! Ellen's normally pasty skin is all aglow with the warmth of a woman in love ... with a woman.

ELLEN

So, tonight for dinner, what I thought ...

SUSAN

(interrupts)

Em, Ellen.

ELLEN

Em, Susan.

SUSAN

I'm in a relationship.

ELLEN

Not with me?

Yeah. Wow. You're in a relationship. Well, of course you are. Why wouldn't you be, I mean, look at you.

Why didn't you tell me you're in a relationship?

SUSAN

I don't know. I'm sorry. I don't know, I thought it would be presumptuous.

ELLEN

Presumptuous. You know, I mean, just say 'WE don't have those curtains at our house' or 'I wished WE lived closer to the beach'. The 'we' would have ... you know, I would have ... I'm no chimp, you know?

SUSAN

Well, I didn't know how you felt till now, so ...

ELLEN

How could you not know? What about when I was leaning against you at the tar pits, did you think I was trying to get a better view of the tar?

SUSAN

I just thought if neither of us said anything we would just have this and ...

ELLEN

So there is this ... there is something, I mean, I'm not alone, there is something here, right?

SUSAN

Ellen. I'm in an eight year relationship.

ELLEN

OK. I understand, yeah. You don't have to say anything, I just want to know that I'm not crazy, you know?

SUSAN

You are not crazy.

ELLEN

Eight years, boy! So it must be getting pretty serious?

(pause)

SUSAN

Well ...

ELLEN

Yeah. You're going to go, aren't you.

SUSAN

That old thing, ha?

ELLEN

Yeah.

They get up.

SUSAN

Wow. This is ... horrible.

ELLEN

Yeah, it is. It's ... horrible. Well.

They hug.

SUSAN

Ellen, I think you are amazing.

(she leaves)

ELLEN

I think you are amazing, too.

XVI. LITTLE FRIDA'S, a lesbian café. Janine is on stage playing the guitar.

JANINE

(sings)

I want a woman in the White House

A mother on the moon

A sister hosting Nightline

It cannot come to soon

No, it cannot come to soon

Everybody sing it loud and proud!

Joe, Audrey, Spence, Paige and Barrett are sitting in a corner.

AUDREY

(stands up, raises her fist and sings along)

So let's join our hands together

And gaze upon the moon

And free as loving sisters

Our time it will come soon

Our time it will come soon.

SPENCE

Wow, what was that all about?

JOE

You should have been here for 'Sister, Sister, Oh My Sister'.

AUDREY

Now you guys remember: when Ellen gets here it is our job to cheer her up because Susan dropped her like a gay hot potato.

PAIGE

I still can't believe that Ellen is gay.

SPENCE

Well, I always thought for a while she might be. Even as a kid, she could throw a football farther than me, you know, climb a tree faster, always beat me at arm wrestling.

JOE

Did you ever think, maybe you were gay?

Peter and Ellen come in and join them.

ELLEN

Hey, Barrett, how are you, good to see you. Paige, Hi!

AUDREY

So, Ellen! What do you think of 'Little Frida's'?

ELLEN

It's cute, I haven't been here before.

PETER

Surprise! It's a lesbian coffeehouse.

AUDREY

You've been living in our world, now we want to experience your world.

ELLEN

Since when did my world become a lesbian coffeehouse?

Janine comes over.

JANINE

Hi! I'm Janine.

ELLEN

Listen, Janine. Hi. I just realized that I'm gay, so I'm not ready yet to start dating or anything.

JANINE

Well, good for you. I'm your waitress.

AUDREY

Oh, oh, Ellen. Your first gay faux pas.

JANINE

Can I get you something to drink?

AUDREY

Oh! What do you people like to drink?

JANINE

Iced tea.

ELLEN

You know, I'm not really thirsty, but thank you anyway.

Janine leaves.

SPENCE

There are a lot of beautiful women in here.

JOE

Yes, it's very fashionable to be lesbian now.

ELLEN

You know, that's pretty much why I did it. It was either that or getting a nose ring. I couldn't decide.

AUDREY

(whispering to Ellen)

Ellen! Eight o'clock! There's a lesbian staring at you.

ELLEN

You know, I must be giving off one of those vibes again. That's what we do, we give off vibrations and then we pick up the vibrations from our gaydar. So I've heard.

PETER

It's true.

The woman at eight o'clock comes towards them.

WOMAN 1

Do you mind if I join you?

SPENCE, JOE and AUDREY

Have a seat!

The woman sits next to Ellen. Then she leans over addressing Paige.

WOMAN 1

So, I haven't seen you here before?

Paige doesn't know what to say.

ELLEN

(smiling)

Well, it's good to see some things never change.

XVII. At the THERAPIST'S.

ELLEN

So you know, even though this whole thing with Susan was kind of heartbreaking, I feel like this tremendous weight has been lifted off of me. For the first time in my life I feel comfortable with myself.

THERAPIST

Ellen, that is wonderful.

ELLEN

Yeah.

So, I guess I'm not going to need you anymore.

But I thank you so much for everything, and take care.

(she gets up to leave)

THERAPIST

Ellen, when do you think you'll be ready to start dating again?

ELLEN

(sits back down)

You're just trying to make more money, aren't you?

COMMERCIAL BREAK

CLOSING CREDITS

XVIII. NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS. A woman is sitting at a desk. Susan and Ellen are there.

SUSAN

Here she is!

WOMAN 2

OK, Ms. Morgan, I have just one question for you: Are you gay?

ELLEN

Yes, yes I am.

WOMAN 2

So you sign right there.

She hands Ellen a stack of forms which Ellen signs.

WOMAN 2

And sign here. And here.

ELLEN

Wow, I didn't know it was so complicated.

WOMAN 2

Congratulations!

Susan! There is your toaster oven!

(puts a Krups toaster oven in front of Susan)

SUSAN

Oh thank you so very much!

__________________

THE END.

http://www.tvshows.de/ellen/deutsch/puppyepisode.html