ELLEN - The Class Reunion
Folge #1.05 "Ein irres Klassentreffen" / "The Class Reunion"
TRANSCRIPT
CAST
Ellen DeGeneres ............ Ellen Morgan Arye Gross ................. Adam Green Holly Fulger ............... Holly Maggie Wheeler ............. Anita Greg Germann ............... Rick Don Lake ................... Bob Steven Flynn ............... Joe Michael Chieffo ............ Bank Vice President Brenda Varda ............... The Lawyer Jerry Sroka ................ The Engineer Patty Toy .................. The Engineer's Wife Ed Crasnick ................ Host
I. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Ellen and Adam sitting in the living room. Ellen is reading a book while Adam is talking on the phone.
ADAM
Yeah, well, Bob, I find my immense wealth to be more a burdon than anything else. Sure I could buy the big houses and the fancy cars but that's just not me. I would love to hold, Bob.
ELLEN
Who's Bob?
ADAM
Bob, the rent control guy. He's the biggest rent control guy in all of Los Angeles, everybody knows about Bob.
ELLEN
We live in a city of 10 million people. Everybody does not know about anybody.
ADAM
Bob! Oh, yeah, oh, very quiet. Yeah, no parties, no pets, nothing, not a peep. I'm like a monk. Not a load monk, I'm the monk to tell all the other monks to keep it down. Great, next week would be great. Well, why don't I buy you a dinner? Ok, great, I'll call ya.
ELLEN
You know what? I'm not sure we should be doing this.
ADAM
Why not? The apartments are bigger, they're by the beach and they're rent controlled.
ELLEN
Exactly. Shouldn't they be rented to poor people?
ADAM
Ellen, they don't give rent-controlled apartments to poor people! How are they going to pay the rent?
Rick knocks on the door in a way only he is able to do.
ELLEN
Come in!
RICK
But it's Rick!
ELLEN
I know, come in!
RICK
You got some mail.
ELLEN
You opened my mail?
RICK
Oh, no, no, no, I was taking garbage out, and I saw those unopened envelops in the dumpster, and I wasn't sure if you threw something out by accident, so technically, I did not open your mail. I opened your garbage.
ADAM
Hey, hey! Highschool reunion, are you going?
ELLEN
What does that egg yolk tell you?
RICK
Well, Ellen, I know a little bit about reunions, the taunting, the teasing, the guys who pants you every 15 years and through you in the girl's locker room and think it's so funny.
ELLEN
I'm not going to the reunion, Rick.
RICK
Smart move. Although if it's a question of having a man on your arm I've come pretty darn close.
ELLEN
Hey, you know what, speaking of garbage, I think I threw away this great invitation that Adam and I got to go visit some new condominiums, and it was addressed to the both of us Mister and Misses Morgan, you know, do you think you could find that?
RICK
Could?!? If you need me, I'll be in that dumbster.
II. RESTAURANT. Ellen, Holly and Anita are seated.
HOLLY
So why don't you wanna go to this thing? We'll see all old class-mates!
ELLEN
I just, I just don't wanna go!
HOLLY
Well, Ellen, aren't you curious all those guys?
ELLEN
There were all jerks!
HOLLY
Joe Roosevelt, you had such a crush on him, it was embarrassing!
ELLEN
I did not.
HOLLY
You even couldn't say his name without stottering, it was always J-J-Joe Roosevelt.
ELLEN
That's not true.
HOLLY
Yes it is true, you followed him home everyday!
ELLEN
Not all the way!
ANITA
I'll go with you.
ELLEN
You didn't even go to our highschool!
ANITA
So what? It's a party!
HOLLY
No, no, no, I don't want you to go.
ANITA
Why not?
HOLLY
You're a flirt. You always do this. You're gonna stand right next to me and outshine me. I want Ellen to go.
ELLEN
Thank you.
Adam joines them.
ADAM
You want a husband for this thing, is that it?
ELLEN
Look, even if I did, I'm not sure that you'd be the particular model I would choose to go with.
ADAM
The offer's out there.
ELLEN
Thank you. If I ever get the overwhelming need to start making stuff up about myself....
HOLLY
It has it's plus sides...
ANITA
Hey, if she's uncomfortable she's uncomfortable.
ELLEN
Hey, look, do you know why I don't wanna go?
ANITA, ADAM, HOLLY
Why?
ELLEN
Do you know why?
ANITA, ADAM, HOLLY
Why?
ELLEN
I'll tell you why. Because I'm comfortable with myself, I'm so comfortable, that I'm afraid I'll make everybody else uncomfortable. There - I've said it.
HOLLY
Ellen, I'm not saying you're not comfortable, but be realistic. The next reunion is not for another five years. What are the odds your live's gonna be better?
III. It's the CLASS OF '79 REUNION. Ellen, Adam, Holly and Anita enter the place.
ELLEN
Look at all this people, it's like they're frozen in time! Cool kids, chess nerds! I only played a couple of games.
ADAM
Are you sure you don't want me to be your husband?
ELLEN
Look boy, free beer!
Ellen and Adam go to the buffet, Holly and Anita still standing near the entrance.
HOLLY
Now Anita, remember, you told me you won't hang around me! Now go! Happy hunting! - Brad Laurens?
BRAD
Hi Holly, and Anita!
Brad and Anita start talking, while Ellen is trying to get some food at the buffet.
BANK VICE PRESIDENT
Now I'm running the bank it's just pressure, pressure, pressure.
THE LAWYER
How I hear you. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I just want to chock it all. But then I remember what a enormous amount of money they pay me, and I just hop in the old Beemer!
ELLEN
Excuse me? Excuse me?
THE LAWYER
Ellen? How are you?
ELLEN
Good, good.
BANK VICE PRESIDENT
Still playing chess?
ELLEN
No, no, it was just a phase.
THE ENGINEER
Pretty impressive class, ha? Bank vice-president, law-firm partner, and I got my own engeneering company.
ELLEN
High-powered, high-powered stuff!
THE ENGINEER'S WIFE
Todd and I decided that we have a child for each of our advanced degrees!
ELLEN
Great! Fertile stuff, too.
THE ENGINEER
And how about you?
ELLEN
Me? Well, you know, getting by, doing good. Main thing is that I'm happy. Happy, happy, happy. Happy counts, you know, counts for a lot, a lot of people don't give it enough credit, not too happy, you know, just happy enough.
THE LAWYER
Good, that's great. What sort of work do you do?
ELLEN
Well, I'm a... cardiologist.
BANK VICE PRESIDENT
Wow... that's great!
THE ENGINEER
Fantastic!
THE ENGINEER'S WIFE
You call that just getting by!
ELLEN
Well, it's a living!
THE ENGINEER
Incredible, life and death...
ELLEN
Life and Death, but hey, more life! Adam, Adam, honey, come here. I would like you all to meet my husband Adam.
THE ENGINEER
You must be very proud of your wife, Adam, a cardiologist!
ADAM
A cardiologist! Well, the important thing is she's happy.
THE LAWYER
Any Kids?
ADAM
Kids?
ELLEN
Lots of kids!
ADAM
Four kids!
ELLEN
One for each major artery!
THE ENGINEER
It must have taken some getting used to, Adam. Living in the shadow of a woman.
ADAM
Wow, she is something. An amazing woman. So I guess I pretty much help my own.
THE ENGINEER'S WIFE
What is it you do, Adam?
ADAM
I'm a... brain-surcheon!
THE LAWYER
Oh... are you kidding?
ADAM
Yeah, we met over a guy who got his head caught in a thresher.
THE LAWYER
Wow, a brain-surcheon. That's amazing.
ADAM
Well, ah, it's ok. It's just glorified welding.
BANK VICE PRESIDENT
Isn't it intense, being in someone's brain for hours of time?
ADAM
I just like changing spark-plugs. The first couple of times, you pay attention. After that, you know, after that, you're thinking, I wonder if the cafeteria is trying to pawn off sloppy joes for lunch again today.
ELLEN, ADAM
Oh, anyway...
Being frustrated, because Anita and Brad dance all the time, Holly eats at the buffet.
ADAM
Is there any chance I can get one of these shrimps?
HOLLY
No!
Ellen is eating Zukini Sticks.
JOE
So how are those zukini sticks?
ELLEN
Good, good, good, only heard good things about them.
JOE
Ellen Morgan, right?
ELLEN
Right, and you are... J-J-Joe Roosevelt.
JOE
You remember?
ELLEN
Yeah, of course, I recognize you better from a distance, and from behind, but yeah... We used to take the same way home from school everyday... Actually, once I got to your house, I turned around and walked the 8 miles back to your house...
JOE
Yeah, you're always so funny...
ELLEN
Yeah, well, I always was funny. Yeah, I'm not always funny, I don't have to be funny, I mean, I have a serious side. This right here.
JOE
Ellen?
ELLEN
Yes, J-J-Joe?
JOE
You've got a little dressing on your lips.
Again, it's Holly and Adam at the buffet.
ADAM
You know, I'm not sure you should be eating these things whole! Well, let me get you a little bowl for the tail.
Ellen and Joe are still talking.
JOE
Anyway, and then I went though years of a bad divorce and a couple of rough patches, but that's life, ha?
ELLEN
And I bet you are some big executive now, ha?
JOE
Oh, actually, you know, I was for a soft drink company. But all that corporate climbing and backstabbing just didn't really appeal to me, so one day I upped and quit the whole thing.
ELLEN
Really?
JOE
Yeah, yeah, I run a little bicycle shop now, it's a really simple life, but it really seems to suit me. You know, it's funny, I really wasn't looking forward to coming to this thing at all, but now I'm so glad I did.
ELLEN
Yeah, me too. Meaning I'm glad I came. And I'm glad you came. It's good we're both here.
JOE
You know, I look back at those 15 years and I wish I had the guts to give you a call.
ELLEN
555-6982.
JOE
Yeah?
ELLEN
Yeah.
JOE
Great.
ADAM
Hello?
ELLEN
Adam!
ADAM
How's my pretty little cardiologist doing?
ELLEN
Just fine.
JOE
A cardiologist, wow!
ADAM
And I am the brain-surcheon. It has always kind of bugged her.
ELLEN
It has not.
JOE
So, you're married. But, I mean, I don't understand, all the other woman have hyphenated names on their name tags, and yours still says Morgan.
ADAM
Well, amazingly, my name is Morgan, too. For a while she wanted Ellen Morgan-Morgan, but then she decided to go with my name.
ELLEN
Adam?
ADAM
Shouldn't we be going, honey?
ELLEN
Going?
ADAM
Yeah, you've got that triple bypass in the morning and you got to drop the kids off at soccer practise.
JOE
Wow, kids.
ADAM
Yeah, four of them. Eventually, we'd like enough of them for a whole surgecal team.
HOST
May I have your attention, please? The king and queen of the Edmond High class of '79 reunion are.... Brad Laurens and Anita Morrell!!
IV. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Ellen and Holly in the kitchen.
ELLEN
I can't believe I'm going to have an affair with this guy. I mean, for god's sakes, I'm a married woman. A doctor, no less. I don't know, should I do this, should I call him, should I go through with this?
HOLLY
Ellen...
ELLEN
The anticipation, the guilt, the furtive dinners.
HOLLY
Ellen...
ELLEN
The sort of little motel room, the occasional rattle of the ice-machine that lets you now all the other adulterers are up and about.
HOLLY
Ellen!
ELLEN
What?
HOLLY
You're single. He's single. You're not married, either of you.
ELLEN
Yes. So?
HOLLY
So? This is not an affair! You have no one to cheat on.
ELLEN
Yeah, but he doesn't know that.
HOLLY
Well, have you ever though about telling him the thruth?
ELLEN
Right! Yeah, at some point I will tell him, you know, but if right now he thinks I have made up some sort of existence for myself, he wouldn't wanna have anything to do with me, I wouldn't wanna have anything to do with that kind of person.
HOLLY
You are that kind of person.
ELLEN
I am not! Do you have stomach-ache?
HOLLY
Oh, no.
ELLEN
Where're you going?
ADAM
Tonight's the night.
HOLLY
For what?
ADAM
I got a date with Bob, the rent-control guy.
HOLLY
Wow!
ELLEN
You know him?
HOLLY
Sure, everyboby knows about Bob! But you're never gonna get an appartment, he only rents to rich people.
ADAM
I know, that's why I'm dressed like this. Tell me, don't I look like the most whealthy, honest and upstanding citizen you've ever seen?
HOLLY
You do.
ADAM
Good. It's that because I steel all this clothes from my bosses closet!
RICK
Ellen, I just wanted to let you know I'm still looking for that condomenium letter...
V. Adam and Bob in a restaurant, Bob with an extensive meal, Adam just with a small plate and a glass of water.
ADAM
Well, Bob, you certainly picked a fine restaurant. One of the best in the city. How's your fish?
BOB
Oh, it's fantastic. Just delicious. You're sure you don't want it indeed?
ADAM
No, no, no, I would, but I'm on this very special bread and water diet. Actually a very expensive diet, I'm importing breads and waters from around the globe. Only a wealthy man like me can afford such a spartan diet. Domestic.
BOB
So, Adam, on your application you listed your income is 6 figures. What kind of work do you do exactly?
ADAM
What kind of work?
BOB
Right.
ADAM
I'm going to be honest with you, Bob. I'm a brian-surgeon.
VI. Back at ELLEN'S APARTMENT.
JOE
You're surgeons, ha?
ELLEN
Yeah, well.
JOE
Have things not be going well for some time now?
ELLEN
Oh, they're going fine!
JOE
They are?
ELLEN
Oh, you mean, with my husband? Well, yeah, ah, you know, the life of a surgeon, takes it toll on any marriage, and then you throw in an extra surgeon then, then you got two surgeons. At this point you can't really call it a marriage. We're room-mates. That's all we are.
VII. Bob and Adam in the RESTAURANT again.
BOB
So, Adam, would you be living with a room-mate?
ADAM
Would you... want me to be living with a room-mate?
BOB
Well, I deal with first [...] we like our renters to be married.
ADAM
Oh, then, Bob, you have got your man, because I am completely and totally married.
BOB
But, ah, on your application you said you were single.
ADAM
I'm going to be honest with you, Bob. I figured there might be a slight chance you are gay, so I wanted to seem available.
BOB
I am gay.
VIII. ELLEN'S APARTMENT with Ellen and Joe.
JOE
So what's it like having four kids.
ELLEN
Well, you know kids. They're little bundles of joy. But handfuls. The lights of my life. They say the darnest things.
JOE
What are their names?
ELLEN
Their names? Are Greg, Marsha, Jen, Cindy, Bobby.
JOE
That's five!
ELLEN
Greg, Marcha, Jen... Cindy-Bobby is one. Joe, this is so stupid. I have to tell you the truth.
IX. Back at the RESTAURANT with Adam, Bob has nearly finished his meal by now.
ADAM
The Truth is, Bob, I'm married to a lovely woman. She's a cardiologist. I'd just be lost without her. When you weren't gay, I would say you're free to sleep with her.
BOB
Actually, I'm bi. But don't worry, Adam, I don't need to sleep with her. But before I secure you an appartment, I would like to meet her.
ADAM
Absolutely. In fact, let's do it right now.
BOB
We don't need to do it tonight.
ADAM
Oh, no, don't be silly, she would love to meet you. You know, if she hadn't gone into cardiology, she was going to do what you do.
BOB
You know, Adam, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you're trying to butter me up.
ADAM
Oh, look, Bob, I am just being myself. If that gets me on your good side, well, so be it.
X. ELLEN's APARTMENT.
JOE
So, you're not married?
ELLEN
I made the whole thing up. I'm not married, I'm not a cardiologist, I don't have any Bradies. I was afraid if I told you the truth, it would look like I lied from the beginning.
JOE
Well, you did lie from the beginning.
ELLEN
Sure, that's one way to look at it. You know, I understand if you don't wanna...
JOE
...what, see you anymore? Ha, that's a good one.
XI. Final scene in ELLEN's APARTMENT. Ellen's next to the door, Joe sits on the sofa.
ELLEN
Do you like more light or less? How's this, or this, or this, or hey, disco!! Ok, I like it like this, because then we could see each other, but not too well. Not that I don't find you attractive, or that I have anything to hide, you can bring a spotlight in here for all I care.
JOE
That's fine.
ELLEN
How's the sofa, it is too soft or lumpy? Does this pattern bother you? Becouse we can sit somewhere else. Not that there's really anywhere else to sit, except for the bed, we could get in the bed, but not that I'm trying to seduce you, course if, you'd find me repulsive, you know. Are you thirsty? Would you like a Black Russian or a Banana daqueri?
JOE
Ellen, Ellen, just relax, everything's perfect. Just relax.
ELLEN
Huuh, ok, I'm relaxed. Much better. Very relaxed. If I wouldn't be relaxed, could I do this?
Just when Ellen and Joe start kissing, Adam and Bob come in.
ADAM
Oh, my god!
ELLEN
Adam!
ADAM
My own wife! How could you?
JOE
You are married?
ELLEN
Of course I'm not married!
ADAM
Oh, so this is the lightest one, hey? Get out, get out now!
ELLEN
Adam!
ADAM
Adulterer! Fornicator!
ELLEN
Adam, please!
ADAM
Ah, you think, just because I'm a brain-surgeon I never come home?
JOE
I can't believe you lied to me for the sake of some cheap affair!
ELLEN
Joe!
JOE
Don't you feel sorted, don't you feel guilty, leading me on? Just because you're some horny hot-shot with a scalpo?
ELLEN
Wait, wait, wait! Hold on! One second! Look! I don't know what's going on here but Adam is trying to convince you that he's weahlthy and stable and in fact he's broken and barely employed. And Joe, I swear to you, Adam and I are not married, we're room-mates and this is as far as it goes.
JOE
Really?
ELLEN
I promise!
RICK
Ellen, I found it!
ELLEN
Good. Whatever it is, Rick, can it wait til later?
RICK
Not really, you see, because the offer runs out tomorrow, you see, it says right here, Dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Morgan.
JOE
Mr. and Mrs. Morgan, you never give up, do you?
ELLEN
No, you see...
JOE
I see, I see, alright, I see, I see, you would have made a great soft drink executive!
Joe leaves.
BOB
Adam, maybe this was meant to be after all.
ADAM
No, no, no, Bob, Bob, my wife and I can work this out, it's just a spare!
ELLEN
Adam!
ADAM
Ah, let's not make a szene, honey!
ELLEN
I'm sorry, sweetheart, I don't think I can go on this way!
ADAM
Oh, I don't know, one little affair. I forgive you.
ELLEN
I'm sorry dear.
ADAM
We can work it out.
ELLEN
No, I want a divorce.
ADAM
A divorce?
BOB
Well, that seals it then.
ADAM
How could you... how could you do this? How could you throw away all our years together!
ELLEN
I'm a fornicator!
BOB
Good bye, Adam. The fish was lovely.
ADAM
Wait, no, no, Bob! Bob, give me another chance! Bob! Bob, come back! Bob! I love you!
RICK
Is that Bob, the rent-control guy? Wow!
__________________
THE END.
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