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ELLEN - The Class Reunion

Folge #1.05 "Ein irres Klassentreffen" / "The Class Reunion"

TRANSCRIPT
 

CAST

    Ellen DeGeneres ............ Ellen Morgan
    Arye Gross ................. Adam Green
    Holly Fulger ............... Holly
    Maggie Wheeler ............. Anita
    Greg Germann ............... Rick
    Don Lake ................... Bob
    Steven Flynn ............... Joe
    Michael Chieffo ............ Bank Vice President
    Brenda Varda ............... The Lawyer
    Jerry Sroka ................ The Engineer
    Patty Toy .................. The Engineer's Wife
    Ed Crasnick ................ Host

I. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Ellen and Adam sitting in the living room. Ellen is reading a book while Adam is talking on the phone.

ADAM

Yeah, well, Bob, I find my immense wealth to be more a burdon than anything else. Sure I could buy the big houses and the fancy cars but that's just not me. I would love to hold, Bob.

ELLEN

Who's Bob?

ADAM

Bob, the rent control guy. He's the biggest rent control guy in all of Los Angeles, everybody knows about Bob.

ELLEN

We live in a city of 10 million people. Everybody does not know about anybody.

ADAM

Bob! Oh, yeah, oh, very quiet. Yeah, no parties, no pets, nothing, not a peep. I'm like a monk. Not a load monk, I'm the monk to tell all the other monks to keep it down. Great, next week would be great. Well, why don't I buy you a dinner? Ok, great, I'll call ya.

ELLEN

You know what? I'm not sure we should be doing this.

ADAM

Why not? The apartments are bigger, they're by the beach and they're rent controlled.

ELLEN

Exactly. Shouldn't they be rented to poor people?

ADAM

Ellen, they don't give rent-controlled apartments to poor people! How are they going to pay the rent?

Rick knocks on the door in a way only he is able to do.

ELLEN

Come in!

RICK

But it's Rick!

ELLEN

I know, come in!

RICK

You got some mail.

ELLEN

You opened my mail?

RICK

Oh, no, no, no, I was taking garbage out, and I saw those unopened envelops in the dumpster, and I wasn't sure if you threw something out by accident, so technically, I did not open your mail. I opened your garbage.

ADAM

Hey, hey! Highschool reunion, are you going?

ELLEN

What does that egg yolk tell you?

RICK

Well, Ellen, I know a little bit about reunions, the taunting, the teasing, the guys who pants you every 15 years and through you in the girl's locker room and think it's so funny.

ELLEN

I'm not going to the reunion, Rick.

RICK

Smart move. Although if it's a question of having a man on your arm I've come pretty darn close.

ELLEN

Hey, you know what, speaking of garbage, I think I threw away this great invitation that Adam and I got to go visit some new condominiums, and it was addressed to the both of us Mister and Misses Morgan, you know, do you think you could find that?

RICK

Could?!? If you need me, I'll be in that dumbster.

II. RESTAURANT. Ellen, Holly and Anita are seated.

HOLLY

So why don't you wanna go to this thing? We'll see all old class-mates!

ELLEN

I just, I just don't wanna go!

HOLLY

Well, Ellen, aren't you curious all those guys?

ELLEN

There were all jerks!

HOLLY

Joe Roosevelt, you had such a crush on him, it was embarrassing!

ELLEN

I did not.

HOLLY

You even couldn't say his name without stottering, it was always J-J-Joe Roosevelt.

ELLEN

That's not true.

HOLLY

Yes it is true, you followed him home everyday!

ELLEN

Not all the way!

ANITA

I'll go with you.

ELLEN

You didn't even go to our highschool!

ANITA

So what? It's a party!

HOLLY

No, no, no, I don't want you to go.

ANITA

Why not?

HOLLY

You're a flirt. You always do this. You're gonna stand right next to me and outshine me. I want Ellen to go.

ELLEN

Thank you.

Adam joines them.

ADAM

You want a husband for this thing, is that it?

ELLEN

Look, even if I did, I'm not sure that you'd be the particular model I would choose to go with.

ADAM

The offer's out there.

ELLEN

Thank you. If I ever get the overwhelming need to start making stuff up about myself....

HOLLY

It has it's plus sides...

ANITA

Hey, if she's uncomfortable she's uncomfortable.

ELLEN

Hey, look, do you know why I don't wanna go?

ANITA, ADAM, HOLLY

Why?

ELLEN

Do you know why?

ANITA, ADAM, HOLLY

Why?

ELLEN

I'll tell you why. Because I'm comfortable with myself, I'm so comfortable, that I'm afraid I'll make everybody else uncomfortable. There - I've said it.

HOLLY

Ellen, I'm not saying you're not comfortable, but be realistic. The next reunion is not for another five years. What are the odds your live's gonna be better?

III. It's the CLASS OF '79 REUNION. Ellen, Adam, Holly and Anita enter the place.

ELLEN

Look at all this people, it's like they're frozen in time! Cool kids, chess nerds! I only played a couple of games.

ADAM

Are you sure you don't want me to be your husband?

ELLEN

Look boy, free beer!

Ellen and Adam go to the buffet, Holly and Anita still standing near the entrance.

HOLLY

Now Anita, remember, you told me you won't hang around me! Now go! Happy hunting! - Brad Laurens?

BRAD

Hi Holly, and Anita!

Brad and Anita start talking, while Ellen is trying to get some food at the buffet.

BANK VICE PRESIDENT

Now I'm running the bank it's just pressure, pressure, pressure.

THE LAWYER

How I hear you. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I just want to chock it all. But then I remember what a enormous amount of money they pay me, and I just hop in the old Beemer!

ELLEN

Excuse me? Excuse me?

THE LAWYER

Ellen? How are you?

ELLEN

Good, good.

BANK VICE PRESIDENT

Still playing chess?

ELLEN

No, no, it was just a phase.

THE ENGINEER

Pretty impressive class, ha? Bank vice-president, law-firm partner, and I got my own engeneering company.

ELLEN

High-powered, high-powered stuff!

THE ENGINEER'S WIFE

Todd and I decided that we have a child for each of our advanced degrees!

ELLEN

Great! Fertile stuff, too.

THE ENGINEER

And how about you?

ELLEN

Me? Well, you know, getting by, doing good. Main thing is that I'm happy. Happy, happy, happy. Happy counts, you know, counts for a lot, a lot of people don't give it enough credit, not too happy, you know, just happy enough.

THE LAWYER

Good, that's great. What sort of work do you do?

ELLEN

Well, I'm a... cardiologist.

BANK VICE PRESIDENT

Wow... that's great!

THE ENGINEER

Fantastic!

THE ENGINEER'S WIFE

You call that just getting by!

ELLEN

Well, it's a living!

THE ENGINEER

Incredible, life and death...

ELLEN

Life and Death, but hey, more life! Adam, Adam, honey, come here. I would like you all to meet my husband Adam.

THE ENGINEER

You must be very proud of your wife, Adam, a cardiologist!

ADAM

A cardiologist! Well, the important thing is she's happy.

THE LAWYER

Any Kids?

ADAM

Kids?

ELLEN

Lots of kids!

ADAM

Four kids!

ELLEN

One for each major artery!

THE ENGINEER

It must have taken some getting used to, Adam. Living in the shadow of a woman.

ADAM

Wow, she is something. An amazing woman. So I guess I pretty much help my own.

THE ENGINEER'S WIFE

What is it you do, Adam?

ADAM

I'm a... brain-surcheon!

THE LAWYER

Oh... are you kidding?

ADAM

Yeah, we met over a guy who got his head caught in a thresher.

THE LAWYER

Wow, a brain-surcheon. That's amazing.

ADAM

Well, ah, it's ok. It's just glorified welding.

BANK VICE PRESIDENT

Isn't it intense, being in someone's brain for hours of time?

ADAM

I just like changing spark-plugs. The first couple of times, you pay attention. After that, you know, after that, you're thinking, I wonder if the cafeteria is trying to pawn off sloppy joes for lunch again today.

ELLEN, ADAM

Oh, anyway...

Being frustrated, because Anita and Brad dance all the time, Holly eats at the buffet.

ADAM

Is there any chance I can get one of these shrimps?

HOLLY

No!

Ellen is eating Zukini Sticks.

JOE

So how are those zukini sticks?

ELLEN

Good, good, good, only heard good things about them.

JOE

Ellen Morgan, right?

ELLEN

Right, and you are... J-J-Joe Roosevelt.

JOE

You remember?

ELLEN

Yeah, of course, I recognize you better from a distance, and from behind, but yeah... We used to take the same way home from school everyday... Actually, once I got to your house, I turned around and walked the 8 miles back to your house...

JOE

Yeah, you're always so funny...

ELLEN

Yeah, well, I always was funny. Yeah, I'm not always funny, I don't have to be funny, I mean, I have a serious side. This right here.

JOE

Ellen?

ELLEN

Yes, J-J-Joe?

JOE

You've got a little dressing on your lips.

Again, it's Holly and Adam at the buffet.

ADAM

You know, I'm not sure you should be eating these things whole! Well, let me get you a little bowl for the tail.

Ellen and Joe are still talking.

JOE

Anyway, and then I went though years of a bad divorce and a couple of rough patches, but that's life, ha?

ELLEN

And I bet you are some big executive now, ha?

JOE

Oh, actually, you know, I was for a soft drink company. But all that corporate climbing and backstabbing just didn't really appeal to me, so one day I upped and quit the whole thing.

ELLEN

Really?

JOE

Yeah, yeah, I run a little bicycle shop now, it's a really simple life, but it really seems to suit me. You know, it's funny, I really wasn't looking forward to coming to this thing at all, but now I'm so glad I did.

ELLEN

Yeah, me too. Meaning I'm glad I came. And I'm glad you came. It's good we're both here.

JOE

You know, I look back at those 15 years and I wish I had the guts to give you a call.

ELLEN

555-6982.

JOE

Yeah?

ELLEN

Yeah.

JOE

Great.

ADAM

Hello?

ELLEN

Adam!

ADAM

How's my pretty little cardiologist doing?

ELLEN

Just fine.

JOE

A cardiologist, wow!

ADAM

And I am the brain-surcheon. It has always kind of bugged her.

ELLEN

It has not.

JOE

So, you're married. But, I mean, I don't understand, all the other woman have hyphenated names on their name tags, and yours still says Morgan.

ADAM

Well, amazingly, my name is Morgan, too. For a while she wanted Ellen Morgan-Morgan, but then she decided to go with my name.

ELLEN

Adam?

ADAM

Shouldn't we be going, honey?

ELLEN

Going?

ADAM

Yeah, you've got that triple bypass in the morning and you got to drop the kids off at soccer practise.

JOE

Wow, kids.

ADAM

Yeah, four of them. Eventually, we'd like enough of them for a whole surgecal team.

HOST

May I have your attention, please? The king and queen of the Edmond High class of '79 reunion are.... Brad Laurens and Anita Morrell!!

IV. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Ellen and Holly in the kitchen.

ELLEN

I can't believe I'm going to have an affair with this guy. I mean, for god's sakes, I'm a married woman. A doctor, no less. I don't know, should I do this, should I call him, should I go through with this?

HOLLY

Ellen...

ELLEN

The anticipation, the guilt, the furtive dinners.

HOLLY

Ellen...

ELLEN

The sort of little motel room, the occasional rattle of the ice-machine that lets you now all the other adulterers are up and about.

HOLLY

Ellen!

ELLEN

What?

HOLLY

You're single. He's single. You're not married, either of you.

ELLEN

Yes. So?

HOLLY

So? This is not an affair! You have no one to cheat on.

ELLEN

Yeah, but he doesn't know that.

HOLLY

Well, have you ever though about telling him the thruth?

ELLEN

Right! Yeah, at some point I will tell him, you know, but if right now he thinks I have made up some sort of existence for myself, he wouldn't wanna have anything to do with me, I wouldn't wanna have anything to do with that kind of person.

HOLLY

You are that kind of person.

ELLEN

I am not! Do you have stomach-ache?

HOLLY

Oh, no.

ELLEN

Where're you going?

ADAM

Tonight's the night.

HOLLY

For what?

ADAM

I got a date with Bob, the rent-control guy.

HOLLY

Wow!

ELLEN

You know him?

HOLLY

Sure, everyboby knows about Bob! But you're never gonna get an appartment, he only rents to rich people.

ADAM

I know, that's why I'm dressed like this. Tell me, don't I look like the most whealthy, honest and upstanding citizen you've ever seen?

HOLLY

You do.

ADAM

Good. It's that because I steel all this clothes from my bosses closet!

RICK

Ellen, I just wanted to let you know I'm still looking for that condomenium letter...

V. Adam and Bob in a restaurant, Bob with an extensive meal, Adam just with a small plate and a glass of water.

ADAM

Well, Bob, you certainly picked a fine restaurant. One of the best in the city. How's your fish?

BOB

Oh, it's fantastic. Just delicious. You're sure you don't want it indeed?

ADAM

No, no, no, I would, but I'm on this very special bread and water diet. Actually a very expensive diet, I'm importing breads and waters from around the globe. Only a wealthy man like me can afford such a spartan diet. Domestic.

BOB

So, Adam, on your application you listed your income is 6 figures. What kind of work do you do exactly?

ADAM

What kind of work?

BOB

Right.

ADAM

I'm going to be honest with you, Bob. I'm a brian-surgeon.

VI. Back at ELLEN'S APARTMENT.

JOE

You're surgeons, ha?

ELLEN

Yeah, well.

JOE

Have things not be going well for some time now?

ELLEN

Oh, they're going fine!

JOE

They are?

ELLEN

Oh, you mean, with my husband? Well, yeah, ah, you know, the life of a surgeon, takes it toll on any marriage, and then you throw in an extra surgeon then, then you got two surgeons. At this point you can't really call it a marriage. We're room-mates. That's all we are.

VII. Bob and Adam in the RESTAURANT again.

BOB

So, Adam, would you be living with a room-mate?

ADAM

Would you... want me to be living with a room-mate?

BOB

Well, I deal with first [...] we like our renters to be married.

ADAM

Oh, then, Bob, you have got your man, because I am completely and totally married.

BOB

But, ah, on your application you said you were single.

ADAM

I'm going to be honest with you, Bob. I figured there might be a slight chance you are gay, so I wanted to seem available.

BOB

I am gay.

VIII. ELLEN'S APARTMENT with Ellen and Joe.

JOE

So what's it like having four kids.

ELLEN

Well, you know kids. They're little bundles of joy. But handfuls. The lights of my life. They say the darnest things.

JOE

What are their names?

ELLEN

Their names? Are Greg, Marsha, Jen, Cindy, Bobby.

JOE

That's five!

ELLEN

Greg, Marcha, Jen... Cindy-Bobby is one. Joe, this is so stupid. I have to tell you the truth.

IX. Back at the RESTAURANT with Adam, Bob has nearly finished his meal by now.

ADAM

The Truth is, Bob, I'm married to a lovely woman. She's a cardiologist. I'd just be lost without her. When you weren't gay, I would say you're free to sleep with her.

BOB

Actually, I'm bi. But don't worry, Adam, I don't need to sleep with her. But before I secure you an appartment, I would like to meet her.

ADAM

Absolutely. In fact, let's do it right now.

BOB

We don't need to do it tonight.

ADAM

Oh, no, don't be silly, she would love to meet you. You know, if she hadn't gone into cardiology, she was going to do what you do.

BOB

You know, Adam, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you're trying to butter me up.

ADAM

Oh, look, Bob, I am just being myself. If that gets me on your good side, well, so be it.

X. ELLEN's APARTMENT.

JOE

So, you're not married?

ELLEN

I made the whole thing up. I'm not married, I'm not a cardiologist, I don't have any Bradies. I was afraid if I told you the truth, it would look like I lied from the beginning.

JOE

Well, you did lie from the beginning.

ELLEN

Sure, that's one way to look at it. You know, I understand if you don't wanna...

JOE

...what, see you anymore? Ha, that's a good one.

XI. Final scene in ELLEN's APARTMENT. Ellen's next to the door, Joe sits on the sofa.

ELLEN

Do you like more light or less? How's this, or this, or this, or hey, disco!! Ok, I like it like this, because then we could see each other, but not too well. Not that I don't find you attractive, or that I have anything to hide, you can bring a spotlight in here for all I care.

JOE

That's fine.

ELLEN

How's the sofa, it is too soft or lumpy? Does this pattern bother you? Becouse we can sit somewhere else. Not that there's really anywhere else to sit, except for the bed, we could get in the bed, but not that I'm trying to seduce you, course if, you'd find me repulsive, you know. Are you thirsty? Would you like a Black Russian or a Banana daqueri?

JOE

Ellen, Ellen, just relax, everything's perfect. Just relax.

ELLEN

Huuh, ok, I'm relaxed. Much better. Very relaxed. If I wouldn't be relaxed, could I do this?

Just when Ellen and Joe start kissing, Adam and Bob come in.

ADAM

Oh, my god!

ELLEN

Adam!

ADAM

My own wife! How could you?

JOE

You are married?

ELLEN

Of course I'm not married!

ADAM

Oh, so this is the lightest one, hey? Get out, get out now!

ELLEN

Adam!

ADAM

Adulterer! Fornicator!

ELLEN

Adam, please!

ADAM

Ah, you think, just because I'm a brain-surgeon I never come home?

JOE

I can't believe you lied to me for the sake of some cheap affair!

ELLEN

Joe!

JOE

Don't you feel sorted, don't you feel guilty, leading me on? Just because you're some horny hot-shot with a scalpo?

ELLEN

Wait, wait, wait! Hold on! One second! Look! I don't know what's going on here but Adam is trying to convince you that he's weahlthy and stable and in fact he's broken and barely employed. And Joe, I swear to you, Adam and I are not married, we're room-mates and this is as far as it goes.

JOE

Really?

ELLEN

I promise!

RICK

Ellen, I found it!

ELLEN

Good. Whatever it is, Rick, can it wait til later?

RICK

Not really, you see, because the offer runs out tomorrow, you see, it says right here, Dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Morgan.

JOE

Mr. and Mrs. Morgan, you never give up, do you?

ELLEN

No, you see...

JOE

I see, I see, alright, I see, I see, you would have made a great soft drink executive!

Joe leaves.

BOB

Adam, maybe this was meant to be after all.

ADAM

No, no, no, Bob, Bob, my wife and I can work this out, it's just a spare!

ELLEN

Adam!

ADAM

Ah, let's not make a szene, honey!

ELLEN

I'm sorry, sweetheart, I don't think I can go on this way!

ADAM

Oh, I don't know, one little affair. I forgive you.

ELLEN

I'm sorry dear.

ADAM

We can work it out.

ELLEN

No, I want a divorce.

ADAM

A divorce?

BOB

Well, that seals it then.

ADAM

How could you... how could you do this? How could you throw away all our years together!

ELLEN

I'm a fornicator!

BOB

Good bye, Adam. The fish was lovely.

ADAM

Wait, no, no, Bob! Bob, give me another chance! Bob! Bob, come back! Bob! I love you!

RICK

Is that Bob, the rent-control guy? Wow!

__________________

THE END.


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