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ALF quotes

Here are some cool ALF quotes. The first ones are new, followed by the classics. Thanks to each and everyone who sent me cool ALF lines!!

Willie: Go, go back to the tent!
ALF: It's to dangerous out there, I had to kill a fifty foot snake with my pocket knife!
Willie: There are no fifty foot water snakes in the backyard.
ALF: I'm telling ya, it was bright green and it spit water. Ths Ths (spiting water sound).
Willie: That was my new garden hose.
Alf: Oh, no wonder it was sucking on the spiket!

Thanks to for sending me this quote above!

(ALF is writing a love letter for a girl that Jake likes.)
ALF: Willie, what's another word for beautiful?
Willie: Attractive.
ALF: What's another word for attractive?
Willie: Alluring.
ALF: What's another word for alluring?
Willie: Annoying.
ALF: What's another word for annoying?
Willie: ALF.
ALF: That doesn't work. It doesn't rhyme with "Oh, Baby."

(Lucky has died, and the Tanners are having a funeral for him.)
ALF: I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed: "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."

ALF: Where I'm from, this is ludicrous! It's like having a funeral for a hamburger!

ALF: Kate, have I ever lied to you.
Kate: Yes. Several times.
ALF: I meant today!

(ALF is patrolling the backyard for mobsters)
ALF: Name's ALF. I carry a bat.

ALF: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it.

Willie: Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values, and do things they shouldn't do.
ALF: Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.

Thanks to Bill for sending me these quotes above!

(ALF is trying to be a professional shrink and he's annoying Kate and Willie)
ALF: Speaking of agravation, we've got to do something about Brian.
Kate: What's wrong with Brian?
ALF: He's been experiencing some negative stroking from Kate lately.
Kate (in a sudden burst of anger): All right!!! That's it.
Willie: Calm down.
ALF: Stop ventalating.
Kate: I am not ventalating. I am talking! (to Willie) and I resent the implication that I'm having a negative effect on my son's outlook. Oh I give up. I give up.
ALF: You're letting out your emotions. Good. Now we can make some real progress.
Willie: And you are spouting out a lot of psychological cliches you don't even understand.
ALF: Why so hostile, Willie? I'm okay. You're okay.
Willie: This must stop!
ALF: That's right. A good scream. Let it fly.
Willie: You cannot keep agravating people like this.
ALF: Why you hate your mother?

Thanks to Ben Miller for sending me this quote above!

(ALF has just squirted Willie with a squirting flower.)
Willie: You amaze me. You're 229 years old, and that's what you think is funny?
ALF: Can we talk about this later? I have to make number 4!

Brian: You'll have to chew with your mouth closed tonight, ALF.
ALF: All right, but on my planet, that's considered very rude! People think you're hiding something!

(ALF is pretending to be Willie, and Willie is pretending to be ALF.)
Willie: Food! Food! Give me more food! I haven't had a meal in, oh, half an hour! HA!
ALF: No, no, ALF! No, no! No food for you! You already ate last month!
Willie: BURRRP! I finished my meal. I guess I'll go watch TV while everyone else does the dishes!
ALF: I think we watch enough TV in this house. We ought to do something more stimutalting. I know: let's conjugate verbs!
Willie: No, how about if we just break things? (Crumbles up a piece of bread)
ALF: Oh, no, that would be wrong! Wro-WROOOOOONG!
Willie: All right, then? How about if we eat the cat? (Eyes Lynn as if she was the cat) How ya doin', Lucky?
ALF: Sorry. Household role # 856, subsection D, paragraph 2: We do not eat the cat!
Willie: Oh, rules, schmules! I hate rules! I like-I like anarchy!
ALF: Well, I'm against anarchy! It's much too spontaneous! Wow, look how late it's getting. And I still have to lay out my clothes for the rest of the year!

From episode #19 "Wild Thing"

Kate: Don't break that remote!
ALF: Kate, have I ever broken anything?
(Kate stares at him.)
ALF: Well, lately? This week? Today? Since breakfast?

From episode #31 "Prime Time"

Willie: You didn't eat all the cat food, did you?
ALF: No way! I draw the line at intestinal byproducts!

From episode #3 "Looking for Lucky"

ALF: We only had 10 major organs, 8 of which are stomachs.
Willie: I would have guessed all 10.

From episode #34 "Something's Wrong With Me"

(Willie's Uncle Albert has just died.)
ALF: Did you get those canned peaches, Willie? I need to finish basting the deceased.
(Willie runs out to the backyard to where Uncle Albert is.)
ALF: Hey, let the guy marinate in peace!

Kate: If you need us, we'll be at the Waxman Funeral Parlor.
Lynn: OK, have fun.

From episode #42 "We're So Sorry, Uncle Albert"

ALF: Finger sandwiches? And you won't let me eat cats!

From episode #43 "Someone To Watch Over Me: Part 1"

(ALF and Lynn are trying to get their parents to stop fighting.)
ALF: I know: to get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marrige.
Lynn: I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.
ALF: The day they met me?
Lynn: Think again.
ALF: The day after they met me.
Lynn: Keep thinking!
ALF: I can't! My brain hurts!

From episode #36 "Isn't it Romantic"

Brian: Your name's really Gordon?
ALF: Yeah, Gordon.
Brian: That's funny.
ALF: It was my mother's maiden name, all right?

From episode #22 "It Ain't East Bein' Green"

ALF: Willie, you really dated Kate's sister? The hideous one?

From episode #58 "Promises, Promises"

Thanks to Bill for sending me all these quotes above!

(ALF has made a deal with Willy and Kate that for a week he will be really good so that he can live in the house again. It is the last day of the deal and he has made a nice dinner, but at sundown he is gonna be good old ALF again)
ALF (to Lucky): 6:13. One minute to go Luckmeister, and then I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon!

Thanks to Megan for sending this quote!

ALF: Back home on Melmac, I had a cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He was so mean, if he didn’t like your looks, (points at Willy, imitating machine gun sound) ak-ak-ak-ak-ak!
Willy: You mean he’d shoot you if he didn’t like how you looked?!
ALF: No! He’d just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak!"

Thanks to Matt for sending this quote!

ALF: Oh good, everyone's here. Where's Kate?
Willy: In the shower.
ALF: Oh good!
(exits room)
Lynn: He wouldn't.
Willy: He might!
Kate: (from the shower) ahhhh! ALF!
ALF: (walks into room) I found her!

(ALF walks out of the Ochmoneck's kitchen with a toaster oven in his hands)
Willy: ALF what are you doing?
ALF: How long do you preheat this thing for a cat?

(ALF has been quoting everyone)
Willy: How long are you gonna keep this up?
ALF: Well in the words of Porky Pig "tha-tha-tha-tha-That's all folks!" Speaking of Porky, do I smell bacon?
Willy: No!
ALF: Well I'd like too!
Willy: How can you be hungry? Didn't you spend the whole night eating...cats?
ALF: Yeah, it's a wonder I don't feel bloated! Speaking of cats, I have something stored in the garage.
Willy: (gets up) this way please!
(ALF and Willy go to the garage)
Willy: Whoever's cat you have in here, your going to return them all.
ALF: No problem!
(Willy opens the door and sees a tiger on the table, ALF licks his chops. Willy closes the door with a look of surprise on his face.)
Willy: We'll deal with this after breakfast!

From episode #19 "Wild Thing"

Thanks to Megan for sending me these lines!

(ALF is narrating the events that happen on a night when Raquel comes over to babysit Brian.)
ALF: I learned one thing about eating jigsaw puzzles: an hour later, you're hungry again.

(ALF is sitting on Willie's bed, and a burglar comes through the window.)
ALF: (narrating) Then it happened: HE came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it hit me: Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him.
ALF: Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
Burglar: (examines ALF) Must be one of those talking dolls.
ALF: Oh yeah? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box?

From episode #2 "Strangers in the Night"

(ALF has to stay in the garage because Kate's mother is visiting.)
ALF: Kate, there's no TV in here!
Kate: We'll let you use the portable TV.
ALF: The black and white one with the 1 inch screen? Good. I'll tape it to my eye!

From episode #13 "Mother and Child Reunion"

Thanks to Bill for sending me these lines!

ALF (after hitting Willie in the leg with a mallot, talking to himself): It's been a bad day, first I broke Willie's windshield, Willie's lawnmower, now I broke Willie!

From Episode #54 "Stairway to Heaven"

ALF (thinking he's Wayne Schlaggel when he has amnesia, and relizes he has no clothes on): It's cold in here, were's my coat? Oh my God, I'm naked, you took my clothes.

From Episode #16 "Try to Remember"

ALF: (to Kate) What's your full name?
Kate: Well, it's Kathrine Daffney Halligan Tanner.
ALF: What kind of name is "Daffney"?
Kate: It's not that important to talk about.

From Episode #37 "Hail to the Chief"

ALF: (on the phone with Kate) Kate, it is really important!
Kate: What is it, ALF?
ALF: What time is it?

Thanks to Anthony for sending me these lines!

(Willie and Kate are trying to find a babysitter for Eric.)
ALF: And have you thought about what happens to me, when that..."human babysitter" rummages trough my fridge?
Kate: What do you mean your fridge?
ALF: Okay its your fridge, but the fuzz in the meatdoor is mine!

Willie: When the babysitter is here ALF, you are going to have to be in the attic.
ALF: Oh great, prison!! Why don't you just stick me in a swetbox!
Willie: Were all making adjustments here ALF. Your not gonna be there all that much-
ALF: Attica!! Attica!! Attica!!!

ALF:: Mind if I showed you a trick?
Kate: The last time you showed me a trick, it took 3 weeks for my eyebrows to grow back.
ALF: I told you not to lean in.

(Kate is trying to get Eric to burph, ALF wants to help)
ALF: Come on now, in no time will the baby leave my hands.
Kate (giving Eric in to ALF's arms): Spot him Lynn!
ALF: (holding Eric): Hi Eric. How are you doing? Having a little gassyback up today? (Eric burphs)
ALF: Hazza Hazza, who was that masked man?! Next case.

ALF: So when do I start? Bye the way Thursdays are bad for me. I do Tai Chi.

Lynn: You have a cousin named Blinky??
ALF: He who is without blinkynes cast the first stone.

Willie: I can't believe you would expose yourself like this!!
ALF: What? I'm wearing a sweatshirt.

(Jake has fallen in love)
ALF (to Jake): Are you still thinking about that girl?
Jake: Every since I saw her in that school play, I can't think of nothing else.
ALF: What do thay call this temptress?
Jake: Her name is...Laura...
ALF: And how does...Laura...feel about...Jake...?
Jake: She doesn't know Iīm alive!
ALF: No problem! You walk up to her and say: "Hi, I'm Jake Ockhmonek, feel my pulse."

ALF (to Kate): Jake's got the flying hots, for this girl at school, but every time he gets near her, he space's.
Jake: ALF!!!
ALF: Did I leave something out?

(Kate trys to help Jake to talk to the girl)
Kate: If it would be any help at all, you could practice on me.
Jake: It wouldn't be the same Mrs.Tanner. Lauraīs much more... she's beautifull.
Kate (with a cold voice): I see.
(she leaves)
ALF: (to Jake):You've got a way with women.

Jake: Laura's very curious about her secret admirer, so I was thinking like actually saying something to her.
ALF: Danger Will Robinsson!!

ALF: Trust me, I'll have her running trough the streets screaming your name! If the cop's don't pick her up, sheīll be your's!

(Kate refuses ALF, to babysitt Eric.)
ALF: But why, why?!!
Kate: Why? Cause youre irresponsible. You trash the livingroom, blow up the kitchen, wallpaperd the shower-
ALF: It was a retonical question!

And for the fourth or fifth time now: A big thank you to Linda for sending me great quotes like these above!

(ALF, Jake and Brian are sleeping in the Tanner's backyard in a tent )
Jake: What do you think, that psycho killers, have a map of the Tannerīs house?
ALF: Don't be silly, I'm talking about real slugs.

ALF: Hey, who's gonna tuck me in?
Jake: No one gets tucked in, in the wildernes.
ALF: At least zip me up!
(Jake zips ALF's sleeping-bag.)
ALF: Hey! Watch the fur!!
Jake: Itīs for your own protection, you don't want any slugs getting in, do you?
ALF: Oh, zip it over my head!

Jake: Good night ALF.
ALF: Good night John Boy.

From Episode #74 "Don't be afraid of the dark"

(ALF is talking with Jake, about his silent movie he's gonna do.)
ALF: ...but When I come, Kate welcome's me with open arms.
Jake: That really doesn't sound like Kate.
ALF: It's my movie!

ALF: Now comes the romantic part. Officer Willie is smitten by widow Kate, who is smitten by officer Willie, who bye the way reminds her of her late husband. Who was smitten by a dumbtruck.

ALF: Suddenly there's a knock on the door.
Jake: Again?!
ALF: It works, just type!

ALF: Inside my tent, my lustress and devoted wife's are waiting wooned by desire. I have returned!

Jake: I see you, more like a comedy kind of guy.
ALF: Like Charlie Chaplin?
Jake: Like cousin It.

From Episode #76 "Like An Old Time Movie"

Thanks to Rhonda for sending me these quotes above!

ALF: Uncle Neal has gone away, doodaa doodaa. I can eat out here today, all dooday long - Everybody! Gone the hole day...!!
Willie: ALF! I really don't appreciate that at all!
ALF: Okay, so do you wanna hear how I changed the words to Helter Skelter?

(Willie and Kate are worried about ALF's cotton obbsession.)
Kate: Don't you think you should cut donw?
ALF (with an southern accent): Why? What have you got agenst cotton? Ya all yankees!

(The Tanners talk about ALF getting to know Willies brother.)
Lynn: He's a wonderfull guy, with a terrific sence of humor!
ALF: I'm not gonna marry him, if that's what youre getting at!

Willie: You're meeting my brother, itīs not the Pope!
ALF: I'd rather meet the Pope. I love his hats.

Willie: I thought we agreed that you'd stop inpersonateing me on the phone!!
ALF: We agreed that I'd stop inpersonateing the cast of "Green Acres". Although... Mr.Hainy could have sold Brian, some reviving potion, out of the back of his truck.

Thanks to Linda for sending me these quotes!

Brian: Do you get Sesame Street where you live?
ALF: No, and I don't get it here either.

From Episode #1 "ALF (Pilot)"

Kate (to Willie): Do you think it's O.K. to have alien watch "PSYCHO" while our son sleeps in the other room?
(Kate shakes her head)
ALF: Hey, No problem, just leave me the keys to the licor cabinet.

(Mrs. Ochmonek comes over and ALF needs to hide in Willie's Bedroom)
ALF (to Willie): So, this is my prison for tonight.
Willie: No, it isn't, ALF, it's my bedroom.
ALF: Sure, one man's room is another man's prison!

From Episode #2 "Strangers in the Night"

ALF (to Willie): There is no snow for Christmas, so we may as well have Christmas in March.

From Episode #13 "Oh Tannerbaum"

Lynn (to ALF): I better get back to the Ochmoneks, Mr. and Mrs Ochmonek are going to sing a song while their Uncle carves the turkey.
ALF: I will watch for breaking glass.

From Episode #59 "Turkey in the Straw (Part One)"

(ALF singing a song while dipering a baby doll in the tune of "Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush".)
ALF: This is the way we diaper our kid, diaper our kid, diaper our kid, this is the way we diaper our kid...
(drops it on the floor)
...and this is how we drop it.

Thanks to Anthony Host for sending me these quotes!

(ALF is determined to prove the man next door is Elvis Presley.)
ALF: I can be logical if i have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll.
Willie: I'm not convinced.
ALF (Grabs Willie by the shirtail): OK. How about this. Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball.
Willie: ALF, you are grasping at straws.
ALF (Violently grabbing Willie by the collar and jerking him down to eye-level): OK! LISTEN TO THIS! AARON BURR WANTED TO BE KING OF AMERICA, AND HE WAS FROM THE SOUTH, JUST LIKE ELVIS!!!!!
(Willie pulls away and shrinks away from ALF, half scared, and then exits the room, making sure to keep an eye on ALF.)

From episode #67 "Suspicious Love"

Thanks to Chris for sending me these lines!

Willie: You can't vote ALF, you're not a citizen.
ALF: I'll apply for a green card.
Willie: That's only if you want a job.
ALF: Pass... I know, I'll marry Lynn. Become a citizen. Vote, then drop her of like a hot potato.
Willie: ALF...
ALF: Sure it will be hard on her first. She'll cry, drink a little too much. Joins with a bongoplayer named Waquine.
Willie: ALF!
ALF: You'd like Waquine, he doesn't like beets.
Willie: Neither you or Waquine may marry my daughter, and you may not vote!
ALF: Fine! I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported and they'll make him eat beets!!
Willie: How many cups of coffee have you had?
ALF: Fourty, why?

Willie: If you had eaten that dishtowle, I would have been very angry... thatīs a sentence that I never tought I would hear myself say.

(The Tanners help ALF becomming a minister. They are asking him questions from Melmac's holy book)
Brian: What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else?
ALF: Burph down wind.
Willie: He's right. It say's: "He who burphs down wind...can party with me any time".

ALF: Kate! Say yeah!
Kate: Hi ALF.
ALF: Oh Barry is speaking to me now! I feel good, just like I knew I would, I feel fine, it must be divine! Walk to me Kate, Walk to me, show me you can walk!!
Kate: I'll show you something else if you don't shut up.
ALF: Oh agression! What has made this tired women so bitter? What a life she musted had. Everybody, everybody please stand pray for her! Amazing Graise, how sweat thou are, to save a retch like Kaaateeee........

(Neal picks up a taperecorder from ALFīs bed.)
Neal: Hey I could really use this.
ALF (from the tape): Like a virgin, touched from the verry first tiiiiimeee, like a viiirrgiin...
Willie: Speed's all up, you don't want that.

(Willie tells ALF about him dateing Linda Evans.)
ALF: What happened?
Willie: Well she sed up to find the footlightīs, and I sed up to find the sky...
ALF: Wow, you showed her.
Willie: But then I found the girl of my dreams, I found the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
ALF: Who? Joan Collins?
Willie: Kate!! Kate!

ALF: Cyrano and I where destined to spend our life's without a mate. At least he got to jump around with a sword and wear feathers.

Thanks to Linda once again for sending me cool quotes!

Willie: You don't understand do you. You don't understand anything about Christmas do you. You think it's just opening presents and being a generanusience!

From episode #38, "ALF's Special Christmas (Part 1)"

Thanks to Ben Miller for sending me this quote above!

(Some of ALF's moust famous introduction-lines:)

ALF: Iīm Wayne Schlegel, Michigan life and casualty.

ALF: How do you do? I'm Fritz Von Fingerhoff.

ALF: Now this may sound weird to you but this the Vatikan embassy?

ALF: Okay, I'm Willie Tanner.

ALF: Mr. Universe. I tried Mr. Know-it-all, but that was too on the nose.

Willie (to Kate): Well congratulate me, I just got a reservation for two at Emilio's. How does that sound honey?
ALF: Sounds good to me sweaty.
Kate: That's wonderfull Willie.
ALF: What is she comming to? I thought this was gonna be "our night"!

Dorothy: You don't have to make rude noices!
ALF: That's okay, I donīt mind.

ALF: A ceremony doesn't have to be long to be affective. An melmacian wedding contains on priest saying: Your hitcht, go for it babe!

Jake: Why do we have to wear meat on this seremony anyway?
ALF: Cause the high preast on melmac was alsou the butcher.

Brian: My historybook is history.
ALF: My life is history.Iīm a cursed melmacian, I belong to the roum of the goshdarned.
Kate: Goshdarned?
ALF: Ours was a polite society.

Jake: Youve gotta help me!
ALF: What can I do?
Jake: I donīt know, what would that Cyrano gye do?
ALF: Well Cyrano never had to worry about the Alien Task Force.

Willie: I never ment to bring Jimbo over.
ALF: You brought an elephant home to dinner?
Willie: I said Jimbo, not Jumbo.

ALF: Danny just broke Lynn's date with Randy.
Brian: Is Randy mad?
ALF: He doesnīt know yet, the information has gone to his head, and is now seeking desperately for his brains.

ALF: No panic. When the going gets tough, the tough get's going. Many are called, but a few are chosen. And you can't get anything done, bye standing here talking cliche's.

Jake: What are you anyway?
ALF: Iīm an alien, from the planet Melmac. I have powers, you can only dream of.
Jake: Like what?
ALF: Aaamm... I can watch 10 hours of tv, without ever getting up, to go to the bathroom.

Thanks to Linda for sending me the quotes above!

ALF: I'm on a new diet. I can eat as much of whatever I want.
Lynn: And you lose weight that way?
ALF: You do?

ALF: Justice will not rest!
Kate: What if I gave justice a cookie?
ALF: Justice will think about it.

From episode #21 "Lookin Through the Window"

(ALF has become hooked on gambling on horse races, and loses $6000. He is now trying to convince Willie to give him the money to pay off the debt.)
Lynn: Dad, he was trying to help!
Willie: Oh, you're right. ALF, will $6000 be enough, or should I put you down for the next time you try to help?

From episode #23 "The Gambler"

Willie: You got me in a panic to tell me the TV's broken?!
ALF: Sorry, but I began to panic when I missed "Gumby."

Kate: ALF, you can use the portable TV in the bedroom.
ALF: But it's too small! It makes everyone look like John Candy!

From episode #24 "Weird Science"

(ALF is being fitted for a space suit.)
ALF: Look, I'll save you guys a lot of trouble: I'm the same suit size as Danny DeVito, and the same dress size as his wife.

From "Project: ALF"

Thanks to Bill for sending me the quotes above!

ALF: Hi, St. John's hospital? I'd like some information about face-tranceplants. No, I'm quite happy with mine, thank you. It's for a friend.
Kate: ALF?
ALF: I'll call you back.
Kate: ALF, why would you whant to know about facetrance-plants?
ALF: I thought it would be nice to see some new faces around here.

Kate: Do you remember when you thought that Mr.Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?
ALF: It was an atomic bomb!
Willie: It was a pool heather!
ALF: Hah! The Littwak's don't even own a pool!
Kate: Yes they do!
ALF: They do? Can we go over?

(Willie to ALF after ALF has played with his stockmarket)
Willie: But you could have lost everything ALF! Let's just take this as an unexpected windfall and stop.
ALF: But I finally found a way to make an earnest living. Now granted you would be takeing all the risks, but that's the beauty of it! Come on Willie, cut me loose, let me fly, let my people go!

(ALF tells Willie his stockmarket system)
Willie: That's not a system, that's just dum luck!
ALF: Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie, think about it. Now there are people that jump on board and there are people that are left on the dock. And then there are those who are always late getting in to an airport....!
Willie: What are you talking about?
ALF: I don't know, I kind of got lost there myself.

Brian: ALF, I have never seen you this desperate!
ALF: Desperate?!! I'll show you desperate!!! (starts to shake Brian) Get me that codenumber!! Get me that codenumber!!!
Kate: ALF!!
Kate: ALF, why were you shakeing Brian??
ALF: If you must know, I was helping him with his Katharine Hepburn impression. Now repeat after me Brian: You are my knight in shineying armous, you are my knight in shinying armour.

Kate: I wonder if Eric remembers how things where around here before he was born?
ALF: Carl Jung was a big weanyhead!!!!
Willie: With any luck he'll forget fis first five years entirely.

Thanks to Linda for sending me the quotes above!

(ALF has just broken practically everything in the house to keep the Tanners from selling it.)
Willie: This is not the worst thing you've ever done. This is the fifthteenth worst thing you've ever done.
ALF: What was #9?
Willie: The time you stuffed my shorts in the Thanksgiving turkey.

From episode #48 Movin' Out

(ALF is trying to hypnotize Lucky.)
ALF: You are getting sleepy. You...are no longer a cat. You are a bagel!

From episode #3 "Looking for Lucky"

(ALF has just broken Willie's short wave radio.)
Willie: Do you know how long I...LOOOOOOONG! It took me ten years to put that thing together!
ALF: I'm glad to see you haven't wasted your life!

From episode #4 "Pennsylvania 6-5000"

ALF (while watching Wheel of Fortune): Vanna, honey! When you stand sideways, they can't see the letters!

From episode #16 "It Ain't Easy Being' Green"

(ALF is clipping his toenails in the living room.)
Willie: In a civilized society, one does not clip one's toenails in the living room.
ALF: Why not?
Lynn: Because it causes one to barf up one's dinner!

From episode #6 "For your Eyes Only"

(Willie and Kate are debating on whether or not they should tell Kate's mother about ALF.)
Willie: I suppose we just sit her down, and ask her if she's ever seen E.T.?
ALF: Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.?! You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask ask them "Did you ever see The Nutty Professor?"

From episode #13 "Mother and Child Reunion"

Thanks to Bill for sending me the quotes above!

ALF: Grease fire! Grease fire! Never mind the curtains! Put me out!

Willie: There's more than one way to skin a cat.
ALF: You've been looking at my recipe book.

From episode #11 "On the Road Again"

ALF (to Willie): Are you gonna throw a hissy fit every time I squander a couple thousand dollars?

(Willie is looking for a birthday present for Kate on the computer.)
Willie: I can't decide between pumps and a cubic zirconia.
ALF: Well, she does sleep with you. Go with the pumps!

From episode #82 "We're in the Money"

Kate: Where's Lizard taking you?
Lynn: To a science fiction movie. Something about this guy being shrunk, and then injected into someone else.
ALF: Of, that's not science fiction. A friend of mine did that once! He took a wrong turn, and got stuck in a guy's nose!

From episode #29 "Take a Look at Me Now"

ALF: Melmac was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.

Willie: I'm going to take a shower now.
ALF: Count me in!

From episode #1 "Pliot"

(ALF is outside Lynn's window, singing to her while playing the guitar to apologize to her for accidentally breaking a promise to her.)
ALF (Singing): I'm under your window with my guitar
    Singing you this small ditty
    Please don't be mad at me anymore
    Have I mentioned I think you're pretty?
    Ay yi yi yi, I'm really sorry!
(Lynn, unimpressed, throws a blanket out the window, where it lands on ALF)
ALF (singing): Somebody just threw a blanket on me.
    That's why I'm suffocating!

From episode #58 "Promises, Promises"

Willie: Well, ALF, while we're gone I trust you won't be getting into any mischeif.
ALF: You do?
Willie: Not really, but we gotta go.

(Willie and Brian are talking about Spencer, a boy whom Brian must rehearse a school pageant with.)
Brian: He laughs at me, and makes me forget the words! I don't like him. He's mean.
Willie: Oh, Brian, that's not really...that's not fair. I'm sure Spencer has some very fine qualities.
ALF: That's not what you said last night.
Willie: Well, maybe an unkind word slipped in here or there.
ALF: Willie, you said the kid was fungus!

From episode #22 "It Ain't Easy Bein' Green"

Willie: Isn't there anybody you could bother?
ALF: We voted. You were the people's choice!

Willie: I say we invest into AT&T.
ALF: I say "Blecch!"
Willie: But ALF, AT&T is an American institution.
ALF: So were the Village People, but where are they now?

From episode #82 "We're in the Money"

(ALF and Lynn are preparing a surprise dinner for Kate and WIllie.)
ALF: I just need to finish spit-shining these plates here.
Lynn (grabbing the plates): That won't be neccesary.
ALF: Fine, let them eat off dirty dishes!

ALF: I don't want to be an orphan! I saw "Annie!" Orphans have to eat gruel and tap dance with mops!

ALF: I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into song!
Willie: Hence the term "musical."
ALF: Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing: "Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly! Hey-"
Willie: It's getting on my nerves!

From episode #36 "Isn't It Romantic"

Many thanks to B.J. Siard for sending me the quotes above!

ALF: Listen, I've been going over the bills. Someone should take your credit cards away.
Willie: Give me those!
ALF: Is that a typo? An $11,000 balloon payment?
Willie: No, it's accurate.
ALF: You guys are getting ripped off, you can a whole package of balloons for 69 cents!
Kate: A balloon payment has nothing to do with a balloon ALF.

Willie: Look ALF, can we not talk about this now? We only have a week to get ready for the garage sale.
ALF: Your selling the garage!!?
Kate & Willie: NO!!
ALF: Well thats good, cause were going to need a place to store that balloon.

(ALF on the telephone)

ALF: Hi, this is ALF. Let me speak to Jodi. Jodi, that emotional basketcase that was talking a minute ago.

From episode #6, "For Your Eyes Only"

(ALF talking to Kate and Willie about Gillagan's Island)

ALF: So..anyways see, this big fat native girl, eats ginger's lipstick. HA! HA! HA!

From episode #28, "The ballad of Gilligan's Island"

(The whole family trying to catch a space roach.)

Willie: All right, this is what we should do, we should trap it. I'll build a little box and will put a little piece of donut right in the middle, then you guys make sure that ALF doesn't get to the donut before the roach does.....Kate, what are you doing?
Kate: Killing it with spray, we don't need to go threw all of that.
ALF: You mentioned something about a donut willie?
Brian: Mom, why did you have to kill it?
Kate: Because they are discussting things that carry diesease!
ALF: I thought we were talking about donuts!?
Willie: Will you forget about this donut!!?

From episode #25, "La Cucuaracha"

ALF has a sock on his hand and he is talking to it because he thinks he has no friends.

ALF: Well, what do you want to do Mr. Ginzberg? Play serchades? Watch a movie? Go to a sock hop!? HA! HA! HA!

Thanks to Jared Rutherford for sending me the quotes above!

"One minute to go, Luck-meister! Then I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon."

From episode #27, "Working My Way Back To You"

"Yes! He's going to wear meat!"

From episode #71, "Superstition"

Thanks to ALFan for sending me these two quotes above!

ALF: It's the day before Christmas. I've hidden all the eggs!
Willie: ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas.
ALF: Oh, that's right. Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin!!!

From episode #12, "Oh, Tannerbaum"

Willie: This is a jigsaw puzzle.
ALF: It's broken!
Willie: That's the object ALF. You're supposed to put it together.
ALF: Why? I didn't break it!

From episode #2, "Strangers in the Night"

ALF: Alright. Let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight. There's...ah...there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid,...Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John!
Lynn: No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen...
ALF: Huey, Duey, and Luey!!!
Brian: No, those are ducks!
ALF: Then how do they pull the sleigh?

From episode #12, "Oh, Tannerbaum"

ALF: I really enjoy you on that show where they have all those mistakes and foulups!
Ed McMahon: Oh, you mean "Bloopers and Practical Jokes"?
ALF: No, "Star Search"!!! HA, HA, HA!!!

(ALF is referring to two popular shows that Ed used to host. Star Search was a very popular talent show that I think is still in syndication today, and Bloopers and Practical Jokes was a special that used to air every once in awhile that would show actors forgetting their lines, stuff like that. I think this may be my all time favorite slam ever given by ALF!)

From episode #56, "Tonight, Tonight (Part One)"

ALF: Oh, by the way, don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope.
Willie: Oh, you mean my soap on a rope?
ALF: Trust me on this one...

Part of a clip in episode #56, "Tonight, Tonight (Part One)"
(This quote is also available as a WAV file on the sounds page.)

Here's some ALF classics. He may have only said them once or twice, but they are true classics:

"Willie, where's the fire extinguisher?"

"I never met a cat I didn't like!"

Many thanks to Darrell Ellis for sending me the seven quotes above!

"Whoa! That'll teach me not to eat film before going to bed."

"I can see your still one sandwich short of a picnic."

From episode #80, "Lies"

"Hit the T.V. Willie! The color's gone out!"

"Every sheik has harem. It's chic."

"You type for a while. You've got 25% more fingers."

"Once we add sound, color, and stick Eddie Murphy is there somewhere, it'll be a smash."

From episode #76, "Like An Old Time Movie"

"Hey you! Get offa my cloud!"

"I have big bones."

"They're out in the garden looking to see if any of there potatoes look like celebrities."

"Raining cats?! You open the skylight and I'll get the relish!"

From episode #59, "Turkey In The Straw (Part One)"

"We're going bowling and i dont have my cantaloupe!"

"Walk like an eqyptian"

From episode #53, "Stop In The Name Of Love"

"Turquoise alert! Turquoise alert!"

"All my bags are packed. I'm ready to go. I'm not going to live in the garage anymore."

From episode #55, "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do"

Many thanks to Staci for sending me these fourteen quotes above!

"Hey Willie, lets throw a cat on the barbi!"

"The only good cat, is a stir-fired cat."

"Yo, Willie. Burn the cat."

"Hey Willie, wouldn't a pizza look good on my tounge about now?"

"I say a word, and you say the first word
that comes to mind...

square - MEAL!
left - OVER!
Toast - DR Warner!
Cold - DR WARNER!"

From "Project: ALF", thanks to "WinsOBoogi" for sending me this one!

Ha ha ha, I kill me!

Thanks to "Sergio V. Esparza" for this ALF classic!

"Hey, give me four!" (referring to slap my five from the 70's)

"here kitty, kitty, kitty" (I love that one)

"Be there or be square"

"A whisker for your thoughts"

"I'm a people alien"

"NO PROBLEM!" (His most famous line)

"Let's go check out the fridge"

"Hey! Just kidding!"

Many thanks to Beverly in Reading, PA for sending me these ALF lines.

Some of ALF's best quotes were when they went to commercial break and they showed a still picture of ALF and had his voice over. For instance, ALF says, "Before you get up for that final snack, I want you to know we'll be right back." Once in a while, however, the old ALFer would be extra zany and say: "Before you get up for that final snack, I want you to know...I'VE GOT YOUR CAT!!! HA!! HA!!" (Thanks to Kevin Babitz for sending me this! :-)) And of course, sometimes ALF said, "No need to worry, we're in a hurry, right back!"

Right now I could walk to that refrigerator over there, you know, take out a couple of slices of white bread, a little maio, and slap together a B-L-T. That's bacon, Lucky and tomato.

From episode #3, "Looking For Lucky"

Kate: "I'm tired of you breaking things. If this happens one more time, you will be living in the garage."
ALF: "From now on, I'll treat this house as if it were my own."
Kate: "Treat it as if it were my house! And don't break anything!"

From episode #27, "Working My Way Back To You"

[At night, ALF and Willie are sitting in a train...]
ALF (singing): "Good Morning America, how are you? Don't you know me, I'm your native son."
ALF (to Willie): "What's the next line?"
Willie: "Just be quiet!"
ALF: "Really? I'm surprised that song was such a big hit! (singing) Just be quiet, just be quiet, just be quiet, lala la lala lala..."

From episode #35, "Night Train"

Ed (NBC Tonight Show Co-Host until 1989): "(voice over during the main title) From Hollywood, it's the Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson. Johnny's guest host tonight is ALF. Join ALF and his guest, his holyness pope John Paul II., Dr. Joyce Brothers and Joan Embry from the San Diego zoo. And now, here's Alfie!"
ALF (in the studio of "The Tonight Show"): "For those who don't know me: I'm ALF. The answer to the burning question: Who's the only NBC star with more hair than Michael Landon? That's great to be here in Burbank. It's just like being back on my home planet, Melmac - after it blew up!"

From episode #56+57, "Tonight, Tonight (1+2)"

Unfortunately, I cannot watch ALF in english, so I'm not able to write down ALF quotes on my own.

If you know any good quotes PLEASE send them to me so that I can bring them on this page. Thank you.

Anything to add? - Comments, suggestions or something to criticize? - Please send me an e-mail!

Thank you for visiting my pages!

This site is in no way, shape or form, affiliated with Alien Productions, Lorimar Television or Warner Brothers who own the copyrights to "ALF" and "Project: ALF". This site is not intended to infringe on the rights of the any company who holds copyrights over the pictures, logos, names and information featured.

(c) by / Stephan Ramdohr (MAXX-press-Redaktion) in 27/12/1996
Last Update: 9 February 2002